plainly suicidal.

Loving an engaged, workaholic and moody person is plainly suicidal.

You cannot demand. You have to understand. You should learn how to adjust. You should know where to stand. After all, you are just the "other woman." Someone who rarely gets a happy ending. That's a terrible truth. Being one is really sickening. I, myself welcomed the pain that it gave me no time for myself. It pains so much. It's something traumatic.

Well, I was just in one of my usual Monday mornings scanning different pages online when I suddenly bumped into this message.

"Don't let anyone have the satisfaction of knowing that you will always be there waiting."

So timely.

....

A friend asked me one time, how am I doing. I had a struggle coming up with words to exactly tell how am I feeling lately. That's a wow. I just noticed that I'm acting so differently recently. I just realized that I hate it when people ask me how am I doing. Maybe because I don't know how will i respond. I don't know what to say,and I don't exactly know what is going on. Everything within me has been messed up. I lost myself after the other half of me left. I feel so weak, I feel so hurt. I feel so pathetic and worst, I am not doing anything about it. I want misery to consume me for the nth time until I feel the numbness and until I crave for rest. After all, life is indeed messy at times.

I miss myself. I miss him. I miss everything.

That's all i know for certain now. I want him back. I honestly do. I miss how he cares, how he makes me smile, his hugs, his kisses, the conversations we had until we fell asleep and all those stupid things we've shared. I badly wanted to be with him. I tried to behave in such a way that I could bring him back, but as of yet, I think I failed. Things can be fixed, though. And I firmly believe that it hasn't ended yet if things aren't okey yet. But it's hard. It's extremely hard. Little by little I am giving up. Little by little I am accepting things. But little by little, things pop up and I found myself again holding on.

I don't have any idea how far can I still go, how long can I still hold on. I cannot say for certain yet my plans. I don't want to close doors either. I am waiting for something positive to happen. I know it surely will.

out of my league.

lost.

i need to find myself again.

i should.

i could.

and yes, i would.

rest.

take it easy.

give time, time.

a cup of coffee and a sensible person will be enough.

calling.

i was having a chat with a friend i haven't seen for some months yesterday when i came to a realization that i wanted something new in my life.it was amidst the exchanging of own stories when i have thought of getting a part time job not merely for extra income rather some sort of diversion.i was startled by the fact that it appeared to be an interesting thing for me.

i like to teach.

my mom was surprised when i got to tell her that early this morning over breakfast.she never anticipated that due to the fact that i had hated being with kids before.yeah,kids.i prefer to teach those preschoolers instead of having English tutorial to Korean students who were trying very hard yet still fail,no offense meant.

i am in search,and i have to make the searching process quick right before the momentum is over.wish me luck!.. :)

over and over again.

no matter how great a day has been,it will certainly have its own sunset. - cliche as it sounds but definitely true.

i just had a good time for the first two weeks of the so called love month.i could have stayed at that moment much longer or say forever.i won't be enumerating the positive events that had happened,lets just say that it has been good lately.believe me,it did.funny cause really things are getting better and better but ironically i really feel like crying and whining now.haha.i honestly don't have any ideas why though.i ain't sad,i have nothing in mind right now but maybe i just got up really sentimental today.lets see.

no pain,no gain.

life is messy sometimes.and yes,my life is messy now.it has been screwed up, and yeah, mainly because i allowed it to happen.things can be fixed,hell right.but as of yet i can't say for certain until when I'll be on the same pathetic status though i know how and when to start getting up and moving on.i am just not on the right track yet and i haven't started doing so.maybe,i am just a certified masochist who used to crave for pain most of the time.sigh.

crap.just when i thought it's all over,just when i assumed i am already doing good,i suddenly bumped into the reality that i am not and that i have never been.not yet.i have seen myself in the same picture,over and over again.yeah.i have loved completely and i know for a fact that it wouldn't be that easy for me to get okay that quick.it isn't like a piece of cake.it will never gonna be.it will always leave a permanent mark in me,sure thing.nevertheless,nothing can be that easy.oh well,allow me to face the aftermath all by myself.i can manage.i always can..:)

but,what if?..

what if someone shouted "CUT" and the scene is finally over?
what if it isn't this way?
what if it has been the other way around?
what if things have been better for us?

bullshit.how i wish that life functions just exactly the same how some of the computer processes work.we simply -

-undo
-redo
-delete
-or what have you.

but it's not.it didn't,it doesn't and it will never ever be.heart wrenching,indeed.

moving forward,i have to wake up and face what reality has to offer.thanks for the good memories,i won't let go too soon but i won't hang on for too long.as they say,as we grow,we learn more.i hope i am.anyway,everything in life is impermanent,this too shall pass so why cling to things then?i have been tough and i know for a fact that's all i have to be.what else is new?but life has much more to offer.life is indeed full of surprises.best is always yet to come so live to the fullest!

last chance.

last chance.let me have my last dance with you.

-have you ever lost someone you loved and wanted one more conversation,one more chance to make up for the time that you thought they will be with you forever?funny it seems but hell right, i did.fool.bloody fool.how stupid am i of not anticipating that in this damn world,we win some,yet we lose some.as they normally quote when someone gets broken,in every successful love story,someone will certainly cry.sad part is,i used to experience the latter.i am blown to bits.

i have been aching for a long time now, and yet i opted to feel and savor the misery and pain until hopefully, it's completely gone.well,it would really require much effort,much strength.as a matter of fact, crying, which has been a sort of relief, has been habitual for me now.a day won't last without those tears running down on my cheeks as though they had life of their own.i cannot really elaborate how hell am i going through but all i know is the fucking truth that i am so down.i am really down.and all i am waiting right now,is for this damn feeling to abate by merely accepting that good things don't last most of the time.in the long run,i am really hoping that this anyhow has been a good turn for the two of us.what really matters at the end is that we have loved,i have loved.

"three words,eight letters,say it and I'm yours," - Blair (gossip girl)

never in those every minute we had shared he verbally affirm what he was feeling to me.i longed for it i guess for four months but i failed to hear him saying that.and just when i haven't expected such,out of nowhere i finally heard him saying 'hey,i love you,'.what would you expect from me,then?startled.

moving forward,nothing in this life has been coincidental.everything that happens,happens with reasons we may not be able to figure out upfront.misfortunes take place just like a bullet which doesn't give a damn who they kill.we just have to get used to life's own rhythm until we get its beat and be able to gracefully dance with it.

amidst a boring saturday shift.. :-/

01.09.10

and so boredom is rolling again all over my body.with a green shirt,maong pants and a not height helping step-in which has been my usual get up during weekend shift,i found myself stuck in one of the stations scattered inside our office,waiting for my Saturday shift to be over.what a day it is,no tools available,downtime procedure,minimal number of customers calling and end up not being assisted at all.the system is temporarily off track and will soon right itself again,HOPEFULLY.anyhow,can you imagine how productive this day is?ampf.this is the life of what they call,pathetic mechanical servant.

okey,notepad pulled up with a cursor blinking.let's see how will it look like after the entire window has been filled with words gradually taking its place in the blank sheet right in front of me.will it be majestic?doubtful.i haven't visited my blogsite for quite sometime now due to new work schedule i recently had.expectantly,i'll be having writer'sblock this time.what are we going to expect from someone engulfed by boredom she cannot escape with as of this time?non sense thoughts.

what is she up lately?

2010 has finally took its place as the traditional relaxing view of fireworks brightened up the sky while bidding goodbye to year 2009 Thursday night prior to the last.the ever famous "happy new year" has become the word of mouth from that time until today,i guess.soon enough,the holiday season is finally over and everything is expected to be back to their original places..work,school etc..

NEW YEAR. ironically,for me,most things after all still hasn't changed yet.

it's not sinking in yet.what had settled in was the reality.the weeks that i had enjoyed for the last three months of 2009 is about to be over.one of the darkest periods of my life paved its way weeks ago.you know what the good thing is?i am coping.maybe because of the numerous negative things that bumped into me before that numbness or insensitivity is making its way to me.same old brand new story,like it wasn't what i thought and those should not be repeated.not again.like i grew tired listening to a car radio which is having trouble holding on to a station.sadly mistaken though it has always been a usual pattern.however,little by little i am getting back on track.i'm aware that the probability of the 'would' will soon be "could' then eventually it will turn out to be a 'should'.
i am giving time,time.anyway,we never had each other and fortunately or unfortunately,it wasn't as long as we had expected and hoped.i'm strong enough that i had learned how to weather challenges anyway.

moving forward, i know for sure that i'll win in this game by initially getting out of the system that i really cannot take lately.enough being a passive individual.leaving my work after 21 months of being an automaton is the next step that i am about to take right before summer months kick in.it's indeed true that no matter how long you have been with a certain thing,waking up one morning and realizing that you are no longer happy with what you are doing is possible.you crave and demand for a change which must be initiated no other than by yourself.as they say,sometimes,letting our moods serve as our compass helps us discover what we really want in life.acknowledge,then detach.look for things that will help us how to get through slumps.and this is what i have been thinking lately.

i don't know.i can't even say how long i have been writing this.maybe long enough that my weekend shift is over.

i am still clueless on what will happen in the next few days,weeks and months.nevertheless i'm dying to hope to be better in time.. :)

as 2009 fades away.

few more hours left and year 2009 is just about to end.yeah,true.even the most beautiful days eventually have their own sunsets.i must say that this has been a year worthy enough to be remembered and how sorry am i that i can't go on details since it's just going to be a replication of the previous entries if ever.i don't want to make this long either and how funny it seems that i just wanted to have something to look back as i recall how the last few hours of 2009 ended.too bad i am not in the mood to write.i'm currently preoccupied since i'm on day two.. :(

i can't compose anything.shall i consider this a writer's block or i maybe i just don't feel like putting whatever i am feeling into writing?maybe not this time.

i'm looking forward to a better me this 2o10..happy new year everyone!