plainly suicidal.

Loving an engaged, workaholic and moody person is plainly suicidal.

You cannot demand. You have to understand. You should learn how to adjust. You should know where to stand. After all, you are just the "other woman." Someone who rarely gets a happy ending. That's a terrible truth. Being one is really sickening. I, myself welcomed the pain that it gave me no time for myself. It pains so much. It's something traumatic.

Well, I was just in one of my usual Monday mornings scanning different pages online when I suddenly bumped into this message.

"Don't let anyone have the satisfaction of knowing that you will always be there waiting."

So timely.

....

A friend asked me one time, how am I doing. I had a struggle coming up with words to exactly tell how am I feeling lately. That's a wow. I just noticed that I'm acting so differently recently. I just realized that I hate it when people ask me how am I doing. Maybe because I don't know how will i respond. I don't know what to say,and I don't exactly know what is going on. Everything within me has been messed up. I lost myself after the other half of me left. I feel so weak, I feel so hurt. I feel so pathetic and worst, I am not doing anything about it. I want misery to consume me for the nth time until I feel the numbness and until I crave for rest. After all, life is indeed messy at times.

I miss myself. I miss him. I miss everything.

That's all i know for certain now. I want him back. I honestly do. I miss how he cares, how he makes me smile, his hugs, his kisses, the conversations we had until we fell asleep and all those stupid things we've shared. I badly wanted to be with him. I tried to behave in such a way that I could bring him back, but as of yet, I think I failed. Things can be fixed, though. And I firmly believe that it hasn't ended yet if things aren't okey yet. But it's hard. It's extremely hard. Little by little I am giving up. Little by little I am accepting things. But little by little, things pop up and I found myself again holding on.

I don't have any idea how far can I still go, how long can I still hold on. I cannot say for certain yet my plans. I don't want to close doors either. I am waiting for something positive to happen. I know it surely will.

out of my league.

lost.

i need to find myself again.

i should.

i could.

and yes, i would.

rest.

take it easy.

give time, time.

a cup of coffee and a sensible person will be enough.

calling.

i was having a chat with a friend i haven't seen for some months yesterday when i came to a realization that i wanted something new in my life.it was amidst the exchanging of own stories when i have thought of getting a part time job not merely for extra income rather some sort of diversion.i was startled by the fact that it appeared to be an interesting thing for me.

i like to teach.

my mom was surprised when i got to tell her that early this morning over breakfast.she never anticipated that due to the fact that i had hated being with kids before.yeah,kids.i prefer to teach those preschoolers instead of having English tutorial to Korean students who were trying very hard yet still fail,no offense meant.

i am in search,and i have to make the searching process quick right before the momentum is over.wish me luck!.. :)

over and over again.

no matter how great a day has been,it will certainly have its own sunset. - cliche as it sounds but definitely true.

i just had a good time for the first two weeks of the so called love month.i could have stayed at that moment much longer or say forever.i won't be enumerating the positive events that had happened,lets just say that it has been good lately.believe me,it did.funny cause really things are getting better and better but ironically i really feel like crying and whining now.haha.i honestly don't have any ideas why though.i ain't sad,i have nothing in mind right now but maybe i just got up really sentimental today.lets see.

no pain,no gain.

life is messy sometimes.and yes,my life is messy now.it has been screwed up, and yeah, mainly because i allowed it to happen.things can be fixed,hell right.but as of yet i can't say for certain until when I'll be on the same pathetic status though i know how and when to start getting up and moving on.i am just not on the right track yet and i haven't started doing so.maybe,i am just a certified masochist who used to crave for pain most of the time.sigh.

crap.just when i thought it's all over,just when i assumed i am already doing good,i suddenly bumped into the reality that i am not and that i have never been.not yet.i have seen myself in the same picture,over and over again.yeah.i have loved completely and i know for a fact that it wouldn't be that easy for me to get okay that quick.it isn't like a piece of cake.it will never gonna be.it will always leave a permanent mark in me,sure thing.nevertheless,nothing can be that easy.oh well,allow me to face the aftermath all by myself.i can manage.i always can..:)

but,what if?..

what if someone shouted "CUT" and the scene is finally over?
what if it isn't this way?
what if it has been the other way around?
what if things have been better for us?

bullshit.how i wish that life functions just exactly the same how some of the computer processes work.we simply -

-undo
-redo
-delete
-or what have you.

but it's not.it didn't,it doesn't and it will never ever be.heart wrenching,indeed.

moving forward,i have to wake up and face what reality has to offer.thanks for the good memories,i won't let go too soon but i won't hang on for too long.as they say,as we grow,we learn more.i hope i am.anyway,everything in life is impermanent,this too shall pass so why cling to things then?i have been tough and i know for a fact that's all i have to be.what else is new?but life has much more to offer.life is indeed full of surprises.best is always yet to come so live to the fullest!

last chance.

last chance.let me have my last dance with you.

-have you ever lost someone you loved and wanted one more conversation,one more chance to make up for the time that you thought they will be with you forever?funny it seems but hell right, i did.fool.bloody fool.how stupid am i of not anticipating that in this damn world,we win some,yet we lose some.as they normally quote when someone gets broken,in every successful love story,someone will certainly cry.sad part is,i used to experience the latter.i am blown to bits.

i have been aching for a long time now, and yet i opted to feel and savor the misery and pain until hopefully, it's completely gone.well,it would really require much effort,much strength.as a matter of fact, crying, which has been a sort of relief, has been habitual for me now.a day won't last without those tears running down on my cheeks as though they had life of their own.i cannot really elaborate how hell am i going through but all i know is the fucking truth that i am so down.i am really down.and all i am waiting right now,is for this damn feeling to abate by merely accepting that good things don't last most of the time.in the long run,i am really hoping that this anyhow has been a good turn for the two of us.what really matters at the end is that we have loved,i have loved.

"three words,eight letters,say it and I'm yours," - Blair (gossip girl)

never in those every minute we had shared he verbally affirm what he was feeling to me.i longed for it i guess for four months but i failed to hear him saying that.and just when i haven't expected such,out of nowhere i finally heard him saying 'hey,i love you,'.what would you expect from me,then?startled.

moving forward,nothing in this life has been coincidental.everything that happens,happens with reasons we may not be able to figure out upfront.misfortunes take place just like a bullet which doesn't give a damn who they kill.we just have to get used to life's own rhythm until we get its beat and be able to gracefully dance with it.

amidst a boring saturday shift.. :-/

01.09.10

and so boredom is rolling again all over my body.with a green shirt,maong pants and a not height helping step-in which has been my usual get up during weekend shift,i found myself stuck in one of the stations scattered inside our office,waiting for my Saturday shift to be over.what a day it is,no tools available,downtime procedure,minimal number of customers calling and end up not being assisted at all.the system is temporarily off track and will soon right itself again,HOPEFULLY.anyhow,can you imagine how productive this day is?ampf.this is the life of what they call,pathetic mechanical servant.

okey,notepad pulled up with a cursor blinking.let's see how will it look like after the entire window has been filled with words gradually taking its place in the blank sheet right in front of me.will it be majestic?doubtful.i haven't visited my blogsite for quite sometime now due to new work schedule i recently had.expectantly,i'll be having writer'sblock this time.what are we going to expect from someone engulfed by boredom she cannot escape with as of this time?non sense thoughts.

what is she up lately?

2010 has finally took its place as the traditional relaxing view of fireworks brightened up the sky while bidding goodbye to year 2009 Thursday night prior to the last.the ever famous "happy new year" has become the word of mouth from that time until today,i guess.soon enough,the holiday season is finally over and everything is expected to be back to their original places..work,school etc..

NEW YEAR. ironically,for me,most things after all still hasn't changed yet.

it's not sinking in yet.what had settled in was the reality.the weeks that i had enjoyed for the last three months of 2009 is about to be over.one of the darkest periods of my life paved its way weeks ago.you know what the good thing is?i am coping.maybe because of the numerous negative things that bumped into me before that numbness or insensitivity is making its way to me.same old brand new story,like it wasn't what i thought and those should not be repeated.not again.like i grew tired listening to a car radio which is having trouble holding on to a station.sadly mistaken though it has always been a usual pattern.however,little by little i am getting back on track.i'm aware that the probability of the 'would' will soon be "could' then eventually it will turn out to be a 'should'.
i am giving time,time.anyway,we never had each other and fortunately or unfortunately,it wasn't as long as we had expected and hoped.i'm strong enough that i had learned how to weather challenges anyway.

moving forward, i know for sure that i'll win in this game by initially getting out of the system that i really cannot take lately.enough being a passive individual.leaving my work after 21 months of being an automaton is the next step that i am about to take right before summer months kick in.it's indeed true that no matter how long you have been with a certain thing,waking up one morning and realizing that you are no longer happy with what you are doing is possible.you crave and demand for a change which must be initiated no other than by yourself.as they say,sometimes,letting our moods serve as our compass helps us discover what we really want in life.acknowledge,then detach.look for things that will help us how to get through slumps.and this is what i have been thinking lately.

i don't know.i can't even say how long i have been writing this.maybe long enough that my weekend shift is over.

i am still clueless on what will happen in the next few days,weeks and months.nevertheless i'm dying to hope to be better in time.. :)

as 2009 fades away.

few more hours left and year 2009 is just about to end.yeah,true.even the most beautiful days eventually have their own sunsets.i must say that this has been a year worthy enough to be remembered and how sorry am i that i can't go on details since it's just going to be a replication of the previous entries if ever.i don't want to make this long either and how funny it seems that i just wanted to have something to look back as i recall how the last few hours of 2009 ended.too bad i am not in the mood to write.i'm currently preoccupied since i'm on day two.. :(

i can't compose anything.shall i consider this a writer's block or i maybe i just don't feel like putting whatever i am feeling into writing?maybe not this time.

i'm looking forward to a better me this 2o10..happy new year everyone!

break!

it's how i messed up my life and got to know the people who were there to save me and who were not.. :)

quality time.

Just a direct and much plain entry.


Quality time - this is what i think i have been missing lately.i had been thinking a lot that i almost end up torturing myself which isn't really healthy at all.Manifestations of a stressed individual can be easily seen in me,but after the last two offs i had,there was a difference so let me give a bunch of thanks to my friend theresa with her partner ivan for giving me the comfort,company and quality time that i was once longing.allow me to congratulate you guys,since it was really a success!

Day 1 - a movie date with theresa

Tuesday after shift,i headed to robinson's galleria to attend the screening of one of the independent films produced and created by Eight Production,titled TRIBU. There were around ten to fifteen heads who cared to watch the film which did not really startle me at all given the fact that it is an independent film most of us don't bother to watch. Realistically, most of us opt to grab time watching foreign produced films such as TWILIGHT or other mushy movies rather than local produced ones. I really can't figure out if it has something to do with the publicity or it's just that a lot of us isn't really interested at all. I then arrived to a conclusion that one will not really appreciate such if in the beginning he or she isn't inclined with film making, moreover he or she doesn't have the card to evaluate and criticize those in the first place. Anyway,I had the chance to share some thoughts with the producer when we stayed at OLD MANILA but amidst the intellectual conversation she caught me thinking of something else. Believe me,that was unconscious. My mind was drifting away from the conversation were having,just an indication that i wasn't really doing good that time.
After that,theresa and i headed to department store to buy some stuff. That was the time that i had the chance to confide with her which was a big relief for me. Adding to that, it has been a hobby for me to go on shopping in instances like this. That is how i usually pacify myself,anyway. Confiding with an onjective person like her was really a huge help and conversing with Him is really relieving. I had no sleep that day literally but got remorse at all,it was indeed the other way around.

Day 2 - coffee date with Ivan at NERO



It wasn't really planned. I was about to go out all by myself when theresa didn't allow me and pushed me to go with Ivan instead. My original plan was watch a movie in the morning, come up with a blog after, have some manicure and pedicure then go on gift hunting, attend a mass and stay in a coffee shop all by myself until the day is over. What exactly happened wasn't much different from what i had planned.
I woke up around 9am,had breakfast then gone online. Gladly, i was able to come up with blog that was just published prior to this. Yeah,the one titled "feeling of nuisance in the game called love." After that,i had a chance to watch a movie at home with my mom which was really entertaining. Had some rest when the film ended then headed to a nearby salon to had my nails cleaned. Ivan and I planned to meet at three at SM ORTIGAS but since the manicure didn't take that long, i arrived thirty minutes earlier and he arrived an hour after. Haha! No regrets, i was still able to go out and had time just for myself. We had lunch which wouldn't lack sundae and fries, went on gift hunting after then attended a mass. He is jewish but amazingly i was able to encourage him attending ours for once. That was an accomplishment for me.. :)
What we did after that was the most relaxing part. We stayed in a coffee shop, chatted over coffee of course in a very cozy place. We stayed there for almost two hours getting to know each other well. Mission of me was also accomplished, what a day!

Yesterday was one of the long,tiring yet relaxing days i ever had. It will really be hard for me to express gratitude in words i hope they can feel how thankful i was. I am looking forward to another day such as this.. :)

feeling of nuisance in a game called love.

it never seems to end.

i was asleep.
somebody knocked.
i opened the door.
a familiar face peeked in.
BOOM!i found myself in the same situation.it arrived again unannounced.

...problem manufacturer - that's how my friend termed me when i was confiding with her yesterday.i can't even blame her.i have been thinking a lot lately that i even found myself trapped within my own mind and emotion with how i perceive things.this is exactly the point where i am right now,right this time.I actually never thought that i would be writing this entry soon but ideas came pouring like it has a life of its own.

i am annoyed.

love is a "special" feeling but i must admit,i am getting annoyed with it as of yet or should i say most of the time.if i can only term it negatively,let me say that love is BULLSHIT.However, ironically speaking i also like it as much as i hate it.funny.blah!blah!blah!

"they used to say that i had that poor-choice-of-partner capability.i really don't think so.it just all happened.and right now,i must admit,i feel myself helplessly falling,holding on to the feeling of love towards this person.it feels that it is so right when it's completely wrong.a lot of times,i have some intracommunication,reminding myself to control my emotion,think clear and be responsible.but at the back of my mind,i admit that i really had a great time with him and even if i turned the clock back,i would make the same choice.no remorse.no regrets".

i am feeling that,i admit but i know logically speaking that is BULLSHIT.CRAP.

love is the reason why people started to confuse logic from emotion and emotion from logic.

"you are just complicating things," she said.

i know,and if only it was never hard to choose,it wouldn't get this far.like i was stuck on a situation where in i was asking myself should i turn away and run to a safe place or jump off the cliff and see what happens?poor me.it is so hard enough to deal with your very own self.pathetic.

Moving forward,whichever it is,not only him,every people we meet always has a great impact in our existence.we just have to keep in mind that there are some things that are not really meant to be.there is always this person who,unfortunately gets away.worst is,he or she should have been the one but just arrived at a later time.And,realistically speaking,learning to live without the people that we used to be with will be a tremendous adjustment we have to cope with.as they said,they had been a part of your journey,of your existence and at the latter part of this game,we will discover why it had happened.Inevitably we will soon live in a tangled life and rarely,it seems to be pointless to try untangling it.

i am in pain,and i know it's going to be a million times worse when that "time" comes.yeah,the most difficult time is about to come.

insanity?

life is always full of wicked,unexpected turns in the road.it is messy and full of complications at times.there are points that we find ourselves railing against what is right,what is moral or what is must.it pains us so much most specially when the one we are arguing with is our very own self.you keep on thinking that what has to be done,has to be done but end up what?making fool out of yourself. damn.

i ran out of words due to the fact that yeah,i have so much thoughts to say.i have so many things to unload.i have so much.

a lot of things had happened lately that i even found it awfully hard where to start and how shall i end it.well,i must say that i am living a complicated life "again."

Sometimes I wanna ask myself, "how can i be that STUPID?how can I be that insane,huh?" but as i go over the reasons on why i end up doing those,actions are somehow JUSTIFIED.I have been getting a lot recently.I admit,history is repeating itself.And how pathetic it is in the eyes of other people that i never ever learned.I know that I don't have to explain nor defend myself to them,maybe because I have been tired enough to do such.Anyhow,i certainly believe that you cannot really say you completely know a person,it's just that there are things that you learned or known about them.Or probably,i had stopped caring about what other people might say so long as I know the consequences and that I can stand on my own at the end.I greatly appreciate everything but allow me to decide for myself.I know you might termed this as insanity,anyway that's going to be your call.

I was in deep thought last time when a new acquaintance of mine sent me this SMS:

"It is a always risk to like someone and it involves time, patience and understanding to get someone's heart to open up. At times, it will work other times it won't. But that's why you call it a RISK - you invest in something and there's a possibility that you WON'T win.However you still get something in return:strength of heart and mind,and the assurance that you won't have any REGRETS from not trying."

That quote had a point.Just let those words do the explanation for you.

Did you get attracted to someone you never thought you will?Well,More often than not,we never fall for someone we are SUPPOSED to fall with.

I must say that he is one of the those who exhilarates me as of yet.as they say,extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never try to look in.i am guilty of that.surprisingly, i blissfully enjoy moments spent with him but definitely I am aware that everything in this world is impermanent and that I know for a fact that worse comes to worst,the feeling will soon last.nothing lasts forever.it has to end.and how I wish when that time comes,I will still be able to recuperate not relapse.

ugly truth.

yesterday was indeed a tiring day.but extraordinary,i must say.

i finally had a meaningful off again.

muli kong binalikan ang buhay bilang masscom student.my friend kase has an advocacy in regard to disabled citizens (which they highly recommend to be termed as PWD - people with disability instead) towards the upcoming 2010 Election.i am not really particular sa concept talaga but so far,it's all about giving rights to the said PWD as a Filipino citizen.

nakakapagod.wala kameng dalang permit,kaya may mga pagkakataon na patago at panakaw ang mga shots.ewan ko ba,alam namen na isa sa mga basics 'yun na dapat isecure sa preprod pero wala kameng dala.tama na ang digicam at tripod.reshoot na kase,deadline na ng 5-min indie film nya sa Lunes,so we really don't have much time now.lakad,takbo.at dahil PWD ang target,kinailangan namen na maghanap ng mga subject.venue?cubao footbridge at cubao mrt station.tumambay kame sa isang kanto sa Edsa.Maraming tao,magulo.Hinanap namen yung date nyang nakita during her occular inspection pero hindi namen sya naabutan.but patience is a virtue,we were talking about the pantene commercial when a PWD crossed the street.in all fairness,ang bilis nya,so habol talaga kame.result?mejo blurred ang mga shots.the last one that we had yesterday will be a blind woman named Maridick.She was alone when we saw her,asking a vendor kung saan yung papunta sa mataas na building na katapat ng seven eleven as she plainfully decribed it.we noticed she needed help plus the fact that,yes,she's a potential subject as well.we assisted her 'til we reached Blind Resources Center.Doon tumambad sa amin ang ilang Pilipinong kagaya nya na patuloy na nabubuhay sa kabila ng kapinsanan na mayroon sila.agaw-pansin sa akin ang babaeng nasa front desk.she was wearing her headset,blissfully conversing with someone when i noticed the display on top of her desk,it has her name,and it's indicated there that she is also blind but we can seek help from her though.right,nabubuhay at nagtatrabaho pa rin ng parang normal.inusisa ko si Ate Maridick,dun ko nalaman na may asawa at mga anak sya and that she's from Cavite.i just can't imagine how she managed heading from Cavite to Cubao all by her self considering that she is blind.samantalang ako,normal na tao,hindi makaalis mag-isa.pathetic na ata ang case ko.pathetic na nga ata ang case ng ilang Pilipino.May ilan akong natutunan,maliban sa narefresh ang utak ko with regards sa film making.Nakakapagod,eto yung pagod na matagal ko na ring hindi naranasan.Fulfilling.

We headed to Greenhills,St. Francis Square and Mega Mall after to check some stuff.Marami kameng nakasalamuhang tao.Mga kapwa Pilipino.With that,I was able to open my eyes again sa hirap na dinaranas ng Pinas.Nakakaguilty,nakakapanglumong mga senaryo,nakakagising.Isa sa mga pangit na katotohanan.Minsan gusto ko nang intindihin kung bakit mageexist and mga "tibak."Mahirap ang paraan nila ng pakikipaglaban,pero i must say,saludo ako sa tapang at paninindigan nila.Tibak,iba ka!

Magdadalawang linggo na ang nakakaraan matapos dumaan ang Bagyong Ondoy na naging hamon sa maraming Pilipino.Maraming lugar pa rin ang lubog sa baha,marami pa ring mamamayan ang itinuring na tahanan ang kapirasong bubong na tinutuluyan.State of the National Calamity.Nakakapanglumo.Nakakawalang pag-asa sa ilan.Pero hindi tayo dapat huminto dito,kagaya ni Ate Maridick sa patuloy nyang pakikipaglaban.BABANGON TAYO.Sabi nga,may imposible sa mga Pilipino?

an ordeal.

roads were gone..


..streets were filled with massive flood..


.. a month's rainfall that fell in just nine hours..


..for most of us,it was indeed a plight.

Inexplicably,these scenes were taken in real life.Much like from a movie that everyone hoped and wished someone from above will shout CUT,and it's all over,but sadly there was none,no one.

much has been posted,disseminated and communicated about this particular ordeal that hit our country.the aftermath are all heart-wrenching.it left a permanent mark in the heart and mind of every Filipino.

i had a shift the night Ondoy,(Ketsana,as the international name) initially hit Central part of Luzon.that was Friday shift but since my time was 3am it was then technically Saturday morning.I woke up around 1am and noticed that yes,heavy rain was pouring.I thought it was just like any other typhoons we had but when i started walking down our street and waited for a cab, i started to feel something unusual.Our workplace happens to be located at the top floor of Market!Market! and it was usual to hear it when it's raining.I admit,suceeding hours passed by ordinarily inside our office until it was around 11am.I started receiving texts from my family how flooded our area was,same thing with other officemates how had left earlier than my time.I texted my stepdad and asked if he can possibly fetch me for a more convenient travel time however he responded that he wasn't able to drive in the first place due to such deluge in most areas in Pasig.I wasn't thinking of a much worse scenario until my officemates and I decided to try going home,and there it was.stranded people,and we were one of them.with that scenario,i wasn't really sure if i'll be able to get home that day.it was really a good thing that one of the team captains offered help.he drove us until we reached Pasig Church.roads were indeed covered by flood,people were scattered everywhere and traffic didn't lose its place.i was out of work at 12noon that day and yes,fortunately,given that scenario i was still able to get home just four hours after.we had no service,no internet connection and no access to network.that was NOTHING,indeed nothing compared to the traumatic experiences that most Filipinos in Marikina and Cainta had.I, my family were still lucky but still,i fret.The aftermath is really hideous.no one was exempted.

That was not enough for me to know how hard most of the Filipinos had suffered.I just heard stories being told but i still wanted to see it with my own two eyes.And that was granted when I watched The Correspondents that Tuesday night.Every video clip was really sickening most especially when i saw the video of the bedraggled kids.I honestly felt like crying.Admittedly,i started to fear that doomsday do exist.But i still hope it doesn't.

As of September 30th,number of death rised to 246 as Pepeng,(Parma,as the international name)nears our area of responsibility.We haven't been through yet but two other typhoons are making its way to us.Worst,the said figures are still expected to go up most especially when the SEARCH and RESCUE operation ended up to be SEARCH and RETRIEVAL only.Rescue operation were deployed but for some it was already late.It was such a pathetic scene and very much ungodly but surprisingly,the idea of quitting didn't occur to these people.

"Get in line!" - barked at the hungry hordes.

With the relief operation being conducted by the two largest network in our country we are starting to recuperate.It was great that a lot of us practiced volunteerism this time.Tiring though but the beatific smile on the victims face is enough to feel that it's indeed fulfilling and brought real happiness we ever known.

That must be a wake up call from our mother nature that we need to keep in mind.It was such a nightmare.traumatic that we almost felt like we were hapless.But amid the chaos of the flood disaster,we,very Filipino will rise and start all over again.

recuperating.

it's not over until it's over.i have been recuperating in a lot after all the unlikely events that happened lately.

for one,it's been eleven days now after the excision.i thought that was the most difficult part but i was sadly mistaken.it's not getting worst as my surgeon advised me the last check up but a complication blocked my way.the mass that was removed is a big one and that's the reason why i am having complications now.in line with that i have to take again the same medication and probably next week or the week after,considering that the wound will be completely healed,i have to spend a day again in the operation room.visiting that hospital has been habitual now for me and the surgeon who seemed to be a stranger turned out to be someone i never expected him to be.truly,strangers are family you have to get to know.anyway,going back to that medical condition,worse comes to worst i am pretty sure i'll get through.

adding up to this will the fact that somehow,things are getting far better now between me and some people.quite uncertain but as far as myself is concerned,i know i am on the process of getting over it.i sure will,and so they are.come on,that's part of life and it's quite inevitable.we'll all meet at the end.

following that will be one sickness that i want to be cured or wait until my death becomes imminent because of that.perhaps yes,perhaps no.
-admittedly,this sickness is something that i have learned to live with and completely removing that from my system is one option i am thinking over the last few days.i am still waiting though,however i am afraid that it's all i ever do.honestly,it's hard to be the one who is always waiting.i am frustrated that i am hanging on for nothing but false hopes.i am backing away every time someone gets closer to me because of him.some of the people i know advised me that i don't have to do it but that doesn't stop me either.in spite of the pains,i opted to stay that way.maybe in a little while or much longer.you know what keeps me holding on?I AM HAPPY WITH IT.i revel with it.and when i realize that,negative thoughts and feelings automatically fade away.my thoughts start drifting to happier times and happier places.that sounds stupid for some of you,but sounds reasonable and fair enough for those who understand and those who know what love is all about,SELFLESS.it's been three years and still uncertain how long will it take.maybe until my last breath drops.i remember what Ricky Lee said in one of his works,there are times that we get married not with the one we TRULY love but the one that we SHOULD love.that's what he calls great love and correct love respectively.if fortunately that doesn't apply to you,well,lucky you,i guess.i still believe that good things happen to good people,anyway.

three sickness and one process needed:recuperate.

i am recuperating.glad that i am.

nothing lasts forever.

time flies when you are having a good time.yeah,hear,hear for that.my one week leave of absence is finally over.I'm getting back to work tonight after a week of not being around.whew.I'm back to my routine.

so let me assess that leave.

first five days were spent at the hospital.had the final check up before the operation,some lab tests were performed and the schedule was confirmed.for those who are aware of my day,you perfectly read it right,i have spent that at the hospital as well.gladly,not the whole day,just half of it.anyway,main reason why i filed that leave will be because of the operation,so be it.


certified hard headed.i was strictly advised to get rest the night before but i am completely bored.after dropping by at the hospital,mom and i headed to mega.haha!i wouldn't let that five day LOA (leave of absence) passed without me enjoying it.we strolled along and had a dinner right after.then the night is finally over.



in between the busy schedule I've got to read a book i have borrowed from my officemate.Sidney Shelton's.the books were great and i blissfully spent completely two days reading that.the moment i was done,i asked my brother to buy me Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom,same person who authored Five People You Meet in Heaven.Worth-reading-books,i must say.It took me nearly one day to finish reading that.Awesome,it almost made me cry.I've learned a lot from that book.It was really and extraordinary contribution to the literature of death.

Some of the aphorisms that Morrie stated there are:

1.) Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.
-I just applied to a position I have been thinking months before.I was hoping and at some point expecting that I'll make it but also,I had a deal made with Him.I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to make it,but recalling the deal,i am just thinking that it was not really for me.I'll have my time,sure thing.Why fret?

2.) Why are we embarrassed by silence?What comfort do we get in all that noise?
- This left me thinking.Funny, but silence makes us usually feel awkward,right?Amazingly,the only time that it doesn't feel such will be the time that you are with someone whom you feel perfect comfort with.No words needed,the presence of that person is more than enough.You'll get to know when you are in that situation.

3.) Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent.
- Everyone gets scared of changes.But life is not as stable as we expected it to be.Loved ones come and go.It's not quite as long as we have expected or hoped for.Life constantly undergoes changes.It's inevitable.

4.) Detach from emotion.
- A lot of us are emotional.I am.It isn't bad.All we have to do is know what's happening,accept it and let go.We might not let go that soon but it will be helpful not to hang on too long.That's futile and not healthy,we all know that.

5.) Love each other or perish.
- Did we all get the meaning of that?Love is the most wonderful thing that was given to us.Love is everything.It is the only rational thing on earth.We do everything with love as the main reason.Once love is gone,everything follows.

*I have spent my leave as meaningful as i could do it and it turned out as i expected it to be.A lot of unwanted events had happened in between those days but i made sure that I have done things that had compensated those more than what i have anticipated.it just ended just like any other beginnings in our life.truly,nothing gets to last forever,nothing.

coping.

right.the most difficult part is over.

just as strictly advised,mom and i arrived at the hospital earlier than the scheduled time.no intake for the last 11 hours.i was assisted by a volunteer from CEU named "Stella."i was asked to get undressed and put the hospital gown.it was awkward because as i was changing clothes she was there.i didn't hesitate to ask her turn her back from me and she willingly did.at the later time we headed to the operating room and my heart was really pounding.the exchange of jokes made that time a little comfortable,i must say.i followed as she and the senior staffs commanded.i was an out-patient and i was ONLY oriented that i will be under sedatives and they just had to put on oxygen during the procedure.before i knew it, Stella was already injecting something on my left hand,a dextrose.that was painful.

it was around 9:20 when my surgeon and the anesthesiologist entered the room.i was pounding more but i tried to relax.i watched as Dra. Vinola, the anesthesiologist injected the sedative thru the dextrose.it took not more than a minute for me to fell asleep.cool.not long after i was awakened by Stella asking how i was feeling.i was in the recovery room.i felt pain on my left hand,the dextrose was still painful.i immediately look at my body.shoot!thank God the operation was over.

according to the staffs,the operation lasted from 9:30 to 10:20.they handed me the picture of the tumor taken by my mom as Dr. Marcial,the Cancer Surgeon showed it to her right after the operation.That was a wide excision biopsy performed and i completely didn't know what happened during the entire procedure.it felt good to be under sedatives,i tell you.

i'll have the follow up check up come next friday.the stiches will be removed and we'll get to know if the tumor is cancerous or not.


i am coping.it's been two days now after the operation.i am irritated with the bandage and sacrificing a little pain from it.anyhow,i'll get back to work this Monday.i have to get back.

one by one i'll get over this,thank God.

terrifying.

"I'll see you at 7:30,friday morning.you can have your dinner around six the evening prior to that then no intake eight hours before the operation,clear?"

endless nightmare is just about to end.this has to be done,i must face it.i am pretty aware that it won't get over until it's over.

I must be at the hospital tomorrow earlier than the scheduled time.offhand, aside from the fact that i should no take anything eight hours before.I will be under sedatives but i fear awakening amidst the procedure.ignorance is rolling over me.you can't blame me,i have never been admitted for the last 22 years.i am clueless.surgeon just added that it will take completely one hour to have the tumor completely taken out.a week after we will know if it's positive or hopefully,negative margin.

i'll get back to you.it will be painful,i know.

forgo.

we need to make sense of yesterdays.

few hours left and i am officially 22 years old.

another year is almost over.another year is about to end.another year of pretension and being valiant is about to start all over again.another chapter of life.Truly,ALL ENDINGS ARE ALSO BEGINNINGS.and i thank life for that.

OPEN BOOK.This is the kind of life i used to live before.I treated everybody as someone dependable enough.Someone that i can trust.That i can be perfectly comfortable with.I was wrong,completely.And it's nice to know that i learned to determine flowers from the weeds.I learned to set boundaries.I learned to understand people and how to deal with them.

Disappointments come in one's life,it never failed to come .It's basically how you perceive such and value what you had.It's up to the person to fight or leave things behind.I strongly detest getting tired with a friend.It is actually the last thing that I will ever feel for someone i value as such.But i couldn't bear the thought anymore.It caused so much pain.And the only option that i will do is to rest and stop.Taking a rest is way different from giving up,anyway.I need it,and I will do it.FORGO of everything.Come on,holding anger is a poison.


It's really true that the capacity of human for burden is much like of a bamboo.It's far more flexible that we'd see it in the first glance.And as i used to say,we are not aware that we are strong 'til we realized that it will be the only option that we have.I,myself have proven that.No need for a superman to show up and save you.We aren't sure if we are someone worth saving in the eyes of other people.So don't wait for a superman or a savior to appear in your life,you can do it by yourself.And sometimes you need to do it all by yourself.

The last few days or should I say last few weeks of my 21st year seemed to be very stressful and much tiresome.I must say that i have realized I am now living in a much different world compared to the one that i used to live before.Different faces,different personalities,different relationships.EVERYTHING seems to be an unfamiliar face.Admittedly,dealing with it makes life to be a serious battle.And at the end of the day,it feels great that against all odds, we survive.I did.

Moving forward,I'll be undergoing an excision biopsy if not today,the following day.I browsed the net cause i have no idea yet on how will that minor operation will be done.Since according to my surgeon he will make use of a generic anesthesia instead of the local one,i pretty get excited on how it will feel to be under sedatives.At some point,I will feel numb,lost and adrift.Nice,isn't?

Down to fifteen hours before my day.Still clueless of everything.Things happen.Unwanted and uninvited events happen,they are part of our journey.Anyhow in the latter part of the day,we'll discover why those had occurred.There is always a reason,just let that reason exist.

deteriorating.

should i known the consequences,i should have managed to turn around.
something is always going on and it never seems to end.
shit happens,and it feels like hell.

i have been in a lot lately.i am so wounded that i even don't know how to put all those in words.mouthful.

disappointments.everybody hates this.most of us avoids such.but are we aware that in simple acts of us,others get disappointed?that sometimes,no matter how careful we are,little acts of us might have negative impact to others.result?HELL.

i value friendship a lot.but i commit mistakes as well.and i am not the ideal type of friend.i also have my flaws.one big question that bothers me a lot,why people used to judge people negatively in a single mistake they had committed?why do we use to come up with this negative thoughts whenever we get disappointed with someone?why most of us relatively say that, that's all she got,she's like that,she's only like this when she just committed a single mistake that,yeah,let say might impacted us a lot?is it still being fair?tell me.and why when fair people did something foul,it's as if they have been worthless ever since?worst,why a "friend" could forget everything after an incident that she disappointed her friend a lot?is a single mistake enough for us to judge her,and leave things behind?i don't know.maybe because i perceive the other way around.

if we have to learn,we have to learn it all.things can get worse.situation gets deteriorated.we wouldn't learn and make things right if we hesitate to admit that we were wrong. we won't get cured if in the first place,we were not sick.we can never be happy,if we were not sad and felt awful.life has its own way of teaching us a lesson and making us feel startled.people might have different way of perceiving those.

friendship will always be friendship.

"once all the passions are gone,with no word needed or any explanation,balik ung friendship nyo.coz that's how real friendship should be.ALWAYS." - ate joy

we might not be okay recently guys,we disappointed each other so much.but i won't let the friendship go.we'll be healed in time.after all,kaibigan ko pa rin kayo.

unbeknownst.

REST.Take it easy.

This is what i initially thought upon me waking up early this morning.A lot of things had been so tiresome recently,just like series of darts thrown fast that i cannot feel the sting any longer. A relapse.

As seen,last week was worse just as i expected it to be.SPLIT OFF,HEALTH CONDITION,DISAPPOINTMENTS,everything.How's that?Yeah,right,when life is normal,it's so normal.But once it twists,beware.

APATHY is completely taking over me and i can't manage to overcome such because of so many factors which will be better left unsaid.Plus,those are too unimportant to be enumerated.Countless times i longed,hoped and decided to leave my workplace,find different work and build another life.I am no longer able to differentiate Monday from Friday since I am still doing doing the same boring stuff:TAKING CALLS,MEETING CLIENT'S EXPECTATIONS,HAVING NON SENSE CONVERSATIONS.Sacrifice is really a part of life,huh.Anyhow,that's the industry i am currently indulge now,and though i hate to admit,I NEED IT as of the moment.It'll soon end,i know.

The people you work with is a huge factor,i must say.I even admitted before that i have learned to love that way of life because of the people i used to be with.However,life,isn't that smooth.It has it's own twists and turns,all of us know that.SHIT ARRIVES UNANNOUNCED.

They say that the only time that life is a waste is when we start thinking that we are alone.Inexplicably,I just started to think that way,and so it occurred to me to think that i might be living a wasteful life.Hey,i am not emotionally motivated,it's just that a lot of times i end up with these thoughts,non sense thoughts.And whenever these things happen,there's always someone who taps me at my back and say, "What the hell is that?", reminds me that i should not think that way,and so the bad thought disappears.

And to finally end this bitterness *as others used to say* let me quote this one from a friend's blog:http://alexces.multiply.com/journal/item/178

"It's really nice to know that at the end of the day (or the week), you can still find the comfort of your best buds to whom you can be your utmost self and who are willing to hear it all and shies away all the introversion in you."

That would be enough to express the bottom line.