close to the end...

better a terrible pain now than a total disaster later on.

i am beaten.

i am aching.

i am tired.

i am forlorn.

i am annoyed.

everything is messed up now.and it's getting tougher.

i wanted to cry.i am craving for someone that i can talk to.someone who is more than willing to listen though might stab me in front afterward.someone who can understand me no matter how foul the situation is.someone who is not biased.someone who's objective enough.someone who's willing to embrace and comfort me though they know how valiant am i.if not so,i just wanted to shout.these things will going to be a relief somehow.but,unfortunately,i don't have any of those as an option.i can't cry cause i can't show to those persons i am being with most of the time how weak and stupid am i.i can't shout either.i am not with those people who completely understand me so why do that?i am not completely fool yet.it feels like shit when you want to breakdown and cry and found nothing but an empty sheet in front of you.you can throw all the words,jot down everything you want to unload and at the latter part,get no response.that's shit.

i'm down.and i am clueless what step shall i take.terrible.i am feeling so much ache in my heart seeing him.i wanted to tell him everything.that i'm quite remorseful for what happened.that i wanted to give up but deep inside still willing to hold on and fight.that i am damn aching,just because i love him.i do love him.but i can't.cause i am still trying to consider the possible things that might happen after between the two of us,between them.it hurts damn much.and i can no longer take the enormous pain.i honestly can't.

how i wish that in those men lined up ten deep at my door i can see his face.or even the face of this someone who can possibly revive me from nothingness.doubtful.though i completely know i only have myself to help me,still it feels good to know someone who will take care of you romantically.someone who's gonna be your man,and you as her woman,not the other woman.

i am annoyed to myself why I conceded this to happen.why did i settle for less?and now,i need to let go someone who's in the first place I should have not wasted my time with.now,now that i am loving him the most,it's damn to hard to let go and leave things behind.oh!phony guy.


just yesterday,after nine months of being "almost there" he finally said he loves me,just at the same time that i admitted him that i 'm almost giving up.loving him makes sense for some reason now,but i couldn't bear the thought that i am not the only woman in his life.he doesnt see the whole picture and prefers having a good time.he may not be the right guy in the long run,i guess.i just hope that he'll be gone,in that way i might feel differently one day.but life is not magic,life is reality and we have to deal with it.i am stucked.indecisive.i never allowed myself to love him but i just realized one day that i already do.how i wish i'll just wake up one day that things are in the right and proper order.that i am no longer under his spell.i don't want to give up but a lot of things hinder me to fight and hold on either.

i'm getting close to the end but at the back of my mind how i still wish i am not.but it needs to.it hurt too much and maybe it will always would if i'll allow that to happen and totally destroy me at the end.i couldn't take the agony anymore.i have been lonely for so long now.it's not healthy.i have to stop,however i am aware it would take too much effort from me.i am pretty aware of that.

truly,in a romantic relationship,it happens that sooner or later,feelings will die and the one is left alone and has to start again.this is how awful love is.

i am close to the end..

*sigh*

when is enough enough?

I AM NOT IMPECCABLY DESIGNED.AND WE ARE NOT IN A PERFECTLY MOLDED WORLD EITHER.

so,tell how was the last five days?yeah,yeah.kinda new.due to sickness i was not able to atleast check out my online buds namely:multiply,friendster,facebook,my yahoomail,imeem,youtube,and oh!how could i forget you,my blogsite and to complete the band,here goes articleincome and plurk!wheew!what else do you have?keep this counting!haha!what's new?what do you want to hear?duh!same old stories...poor site.

auto zero from my call audit and the "bullshit thing" started to ruin my last week as early as Wednesday night.pity me.

my call was about to end when Ms. *** from the quality assurance team tapped me at my back and advised me to go on aux right after for some coaching with regards to my audit.agigated me,i left our bay after the last caller hung up without having the account documented yet.i always knew it,there might be something wrong.something stupid that you have done during the call,that's pretty normal,it just so happened that among the hundred calls i hadled,a bad call was audited.i repeat,it was really a BAD CALL.why?then tell me what would sum up by adding these elements: upset customer_poor line connection_irritated care advocate_roundabout for seven minutes_noise pollution_and failed to follow escalation procedure?what's most likely to happen?the call is indeed a bad one.good thing?i knew my fault.the call was seven minutes.seven minutes of having roundabout.seven minutes of explaining the timeframe to a customer who found it very hard to comprehend.seven minutes of the customer insisting her side in the same manner that i have done.tell me then,when is enough enough for that call?still,it's indeed my bad.i'm aware.i know.

i was conversing with my immediate supervisor regarding that event when he suddenly threw distressing words.something which i found very much difficult to swallow.not that i'm too much sensitive,just try to be on the receiving end.i do my work on the the level that i know i should,not that much,not that less.i take jokes but realistically,i have my limits.that's given.i was waiting for him to recant.but he never did.so,when is enough enough again?...SIGH...at the end of the day,i was told that i just misheard that.i may be stupid but not all the time.BUT IF THAT HAPPENS TO BE THE CASE,BE IT.thanks for the respect.that's LIKEWISE.anyway,it's a petty thing.business as usual.

I REPEAT.i am not impeccably designed.and we are not living in a perfectly develop world either.shit happens.everyone knows it does.

I went home not feeling well.that night was so long plus the longer travel time i had due to Pasig feast that most of the main roads were closed and i have to take a different route,much time_more hassle way.an hour and a half after,i am finally home,feeling something unexplainable.i wont enumerate what i have felt.but believe me,the feeling was awful.i immediately informed my "sup" that i might be absent if the awful feeling will continue.how predictable.he put the blame to a tiff that we had that night.i honestly don't know if i'll get disappointed to myself or to him for having that idea in mind.disappointed on myself in a way that,have i committed a single thing that made him think i am not professional when it comes to work?am i still that childlike in deed?on the other hand,disappointed to him for being so narrow minded,i just found him that way,that time.i just hated it.people get tired and unfortunately get sick.INEVITABLE,right?so,when is enough enough for this?


our team reigned the floor for some months before.no one was able to beat us.we have done what we need to do.i personally did that out of respect and for the team's goal too.we had a good perfomance due to team effort.we accomplished what we have to accomplished.i know it was impressive.but things change.and the sad thing about that,when you committed a single mistake,all the good things that you have done and contributed will vanish all of a sudden.it will.it's like good, good, good then one bad your down.that's the sad thing.i guess this is when,ENOUGH will be ENOUGH.


i don't know.i am not used to closing windows.truly,what comes next is always unseen and unknown.i am just annoyed on how things are getting now.i'm pissed but still trying to overcome...

completely awry.

just had a disgusting weekend.i am not that feeling well to enumerate those,but i sure will in time.

plain love.

"When I see him, his smile, his frown, his eyes, just everything about him,I end up liking him just as much as I did before I stop. I guess once you love someone, and admit it, there’s no crossing back. It’s a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart. Because once you have loved that someone, it doesn’t go away. You’re forced to care. And though how much you wish to prevent it, deep inside you know, he’ll always be special…"

-always be special.

i have seen this so called achy-breaky-hearts-thoughts from a friend's page.thought was expressed so bluntly and pretty much plainly.but i must admit,i fell in love with this thought.it's buggin and oh,pity me!my mind is preoccupied.

i don't know if i shall put all the blame on my page for pampering me whenever I've got no one to share emotional thoughts with.it is completely tolerating me to prolong the agony,and just then i realized,at the end of the day,i have been lonely for too long.blame it on love,i guess!

day after day,thought of being a single woman doesn't leave my mind.believe me,whenever i see couples,i end up thinking who's gonna be the next lucky guy who'll share everyday life with me romantically?i was dying to escape the thought,but i hunters me for some reason.it does.how pathetic.

i never envisioned myself to be alone,however i am afraid that destiny did.how childish it may seem but i am still dreaming of an elegant,beautiful,unforgettable,not too showy and executed in the most exquisite way wedding in time.one day,i will still be marrying a man that i love just as much as he will love me.oh!i can't wait!

have you heard about committed love?it's when you're willing to commit your life to one person,you take a pledge to remain true throughout good and bad times.nah!too tautological.anyway,that's something most of us would know.'lemme ask,have you ever felt such stage of love?personally,i don't think so but i am afraid i did.i always believe that in one's lifetime,we are just destined to love and commit ourselves to one person.not two,not three.i repeat,to only one.that will take too much effort and ending up with that person doesn't always follow,realistically speaking.maybe in the long run,parting ways will be possible.it has been said that disappointments come our lives,it never failed to come - no matter how the two of you love each other so much.exemption is always present.one may go,one may leave,you might feel differently one day.that's pretty much predictable.oh well,that's one of the life's cruelties yet,somewhere in it there will be a gift one day.

i am incredibly attracted to one guy as of the moment.someone i scarcely knew.however,i couldnt think of him as a romantic possiblity.out of respect and sanity,i guess.bad habit.i am haunted by him most of the time.it's crazy.admittedly,often times,crazy is good.but i have my parameters set,never i thought of falling in love with that person.i am not in condition to do that.and i've learned.hearts can be very easily hurt.we have just started conversing couple of days and that wouldnt justify the attraction to lead to emotional investment.i blissfully conversed with him,nothing more,nothing less.he is not a boyfriend material,a lover,a suitor or candidate on any of those.i only know one thing,he's a bad habit,indeed.i honestly don't know why my fingers continuosly hit the keyboard and came up with this thought.hmm..

going back,in connection to the aforementioned "committed love",i am afraid i have it.believe me.i felt that.and when you do,as i did,regardless of the status quo you two both have,love will find it's way.and though it may not to be destined today,it can be in time.in another lifetime.at least,you know,you loved.that's all enough.no crossing back.and at the end of the day,you will know,it's a love at price.it's worthwhile.the best is yet to come.

LOVE -

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered;it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails".

I Corinthians 13:4-8

wakeful.

weekend,a sought after part of the week before.I'm the person who was always looking forward spending weekend in a normal way a normal people will do.a time to spend with family and friends.to relax,to rest.it's the most enjoyable part of the day for me.just like the enticing cake decoration a kid would usually fight for.but this time,it was the other way around.this is one of the worthy-to-be-remarkable weekend ever passed in my life mostly in the negative sense.one of the weekends i didn't wait for and look forward to.if only i could stop the clock,i should have done that.but i can't,and this needs to happen,though it's too hard for me to swallow.

i haven't slept yet since last Friday or should i say,recently.ironic,each shift was tiring and yet,i can't get enough sleep and rest.everything was sudden and how i wish i should have managed each thing to happen one at a time.however,it was uncontrollable.there's no turning back the clock.and that saddened me a lot.

'tol finally left last night in line with the work waiting for him in the Middle East after a month of preparing all the necessary stuffs.yeah,just a month was given,and it was just last june 23rd when he knew he will leave five days after.another enormous shock not only for me,but for my family as well,and that's pretty much predictable.we always knew it will be for him,for his betterment.but the thought of him leaving,us parting ways makes me sick.it does,it really does.and the scenario last night is one of those i wasnt able to manage to pretend.flood of emotions.i was always the kind of sibling who wouldnt let any in our family see the weak side of me.i always make it a point that i will not cry with them seeing me.i'm not that type.no matter how heavy the situation and the atmosphere is,i make sure they wouldn't see me crying.better not in fact.but yesternight was a different one,and i opted to outburst my emotion.just an indication.

he is the best brother i have.words wouldnt be enough to express how best he is for me at the same thing that this page wouldnt be wide enough for me to enumerate all the good things and eliviate everything.if the word bestest exists,then i would tag him as one.if at the age of twenty one i have gone through a lot,at the age of twenty eight he had gone more than what a have gone through.he deserves to be happy.he deserves a lot.and i know in time,he'll finally will..this is a part of his journey and in the latter part,certainly we will discover why it happened.

today is the first day that he was gone.thanks,thanks for the power of net connection and mobile phones that we can still keep in touch with him no matter what part of the world he is.in that way,somehow it lightens the situation between us.he may be gone in a while,in six months,a year or two,i honestly don't know how long but i promised him,when he gets back we are still complete in the literal sense and Ilocos will also be waiting for us,sure thing.

oh,this is a lazy weekend,i got no plans and i am still trying to recover...i wish i can get enough sleep as tonight turns into a day...weekend is again,ALMOST OVER...

confession.

"i must admit.i missed being with you guys.i am looking forward to spend time with you again.i have lots of things to share.i know you so the same.hope we can be together again..chat over coffee,stroll,do pizzas,music tripping,sharing ideas,sharing stories...i missed being with all the people whom i can comfy with..."

me,being a single woman.

though i love weekend still,it is something that i feared most.everyone else in the world have someone to be with and i don't have one.i'ts not a big deal for me but i can't escape the thought of it.and it occurred to me to ask how long shall i stay being a single woman?

i am not in a rush nor unhappy being one.i ain't feeling the vacuity.but a lot of times,i caught myself thinking on why it's been four years and still no one deserved had come yet.if there's any,none of them sounds appealing to me.it can be true that there's no more decent man left in the lot.and so i began wondering if they were all i could find and all the good ones belonged to someone else?my friend told me a while ago, "lahat ng matino taken na,pero hindi lahat ng taken matino".i myself had proven that with my own two eyes.those guys are completely fool.certainly.

it has been four years.and still counting...

i just want to wake up one day with someone that i'm gonna share my life with romantically.believe me,i missed the feeling.i surely do.

dating is shit,and it can be the last thing i wanted.i am not in the right mind set for it.i would'nt go out with someone that i am not completely at ease with,not the one that i don't completely know, and obviously,not with someone which is not my type.it's just awful to tell you that a lot of guys i met didnt seem to be one.so,better be alone then.anyway,i always believe that we should go to someone we love than someone who loves us.i personally believe that it's better to be hurt,than to be the one who'll cause hurt to someone.it's one thing that i cannot really take.never.

"you'll never know how love is going to walk into your life or if it will.and when it does,you don't know what face it's going to wear" - daniel steel

God will always have his plans,how i wish i am not destined to be alone 'til my last breath drops...