as 2009 fades away.

few more hours left and year 2009 is just about to end.yeah,true.even the most beautiful days eventually have their own sunsets.i must say that this has been a year worthy enough to be remembered and how sorry am i that i can't go on details since it's just going to be a replication of the previous entries if ever.i don't want to make this long either and how funny it seems that i just wanted to have something to look back as i recall how the last few hours of 2009 ended.too bad i am not in the mood to write.i'm currently preoccupied since i'm on day two.. :(

i can't compose anything.shall i consider this a writer's block or i maybe i just don't feel like putting whatever i am feeling into writing?maybe not this time.

i'm looking forward to a better me this 2o10..happy new year everyone!

break!

it's how i messed up my life and got to know the people who were there to save me and who were not.. :)

quality time.

Just a direct and much plain entry.


Quality time - this is what i think i have been missing lately.i had been thinking a lot that i almost end up torturing myself which isn't really healthy at all.Manifestations of a stressed individual can be easily seen in me,but after the last two offs i had,there was a difference so let me give a bunch of thanks to my friend theresa with her partner ivan for giving me the comfort,company and quality time that i was once longing.allow me to congratulate you guys,since it was really a success!

Day 1 - a movie date with theresa

Tuesday after shift,i headed to robinson's galleria to attend the screening of one of the independent films produced and created by Eight Production,titled TRIBU. There were around ten to fifteen heads who cared to watch the film which did not really startle me at all given the fact that it is an independent film most of us don't bother to watch. Realistically, most of us opt to grab time watching foreign produced films such as TWILIGHT or other mushy movies rather than local produced ones. I really can't figure out if it has something to do with the publicity or it's just that a lot of us isn't really interested at all. I then arrived to a conclusion that one will not really appreciate such if in the beginning he or she isn't inclined with film making, moreover he or she doesn't have the card to evaluate and criticize those in the first place. Anyway,I had the chance to share some thoughts with the producer when we stayed at OLD MANILA but amidst the intellectual conversation she caught me thinking of something else. Believe me,that was unconscious. My mind was drifting away from the conversation were having,just an indication that i wasn't really doing good that time.
After that,theresa and i headed to department store to buy some stuff. That was the time that i had the chance to confide with her which was a big relief for me. Adding to that, it has been a hobby for me to go on shopping in instances like this. That is how i usually pacify myself,anyway. Confiding with an onjective person like her was really a huge help and conversing with Him is really relieving. I had no sleep that day literally but got remorse at all,it was indeed the other way around.

Day 2 - coffee date with Ivan at NERO



It wasn't really planned. I was about to go out all by myself when theresa didn't allow me and pushed me to go with Ivan instead. My original plan was watch a movie in the morning, come up with a blog after, have some manicure and pedicure then go on gift hunting, attend a mass and stay in a coffee shop all by myself until the day is over. What exactly happened wasn't much different from what i had planned.
I woke up around 9am,had breakfast then gone online. Gladly, i was able to come up with blog that was just published prior to this. Yeah,the one titled "feeling of nuisance in the game called love." After that,i had a chance to watch a movie at home with my mom which was really entertaining. Had some rest when the film ended then headed to a nearby salon to had my nails cleaned. Ivan and I planned to meet at three at SM ORTIGAS but since the manicure didn't take that long, i arrived thirty minutes earlier and he arrived an hour after. Haha! No regrets, i was still able to go out and had time just for myself. We had lunch which wouldn't lack sundae and fries, went on gift hunting after then attended a mass. He is jewish but amazingly i was able to encourage him attending ours for once. That was an accomplishment for me.. :)
What we did after that was the most relaxing part. We stayed in a coffee shop, chatted over coffee of course in a very cozy place. We stayed there for almost two hours getting to know each other well. Mission of me was also accomplished, what a day!

Yesterday was one of the long,tiring yet relaxing days i ever had. It will really be hard for me to express gratitude in words i hope they can feel how thankful i was. I am looking forward to another day such as this.. :)

feeling of nuisance in a game called love.

it never seems to end.

i was asleep.
somebody knocked.
i opened the door.
a familiar face peeked in.
BOOM!i found myself in the same situation.it arrived again unannounced.

...problem manufacturer - that's how my friend termed me when i was confiding with her yesterday.i can't even blame her.i have been thinking a lot lately that i even found myself trapped within my own mind and emotion with how i perceive things.this is exactly the point where i am right now,right this time.I actually never thought that i would be writing this entry soon but ideas came pouring like it has a life of its own.

i am annoyed.

love is a "special" feeling but i must admit,i am getting annoyed with it as of yet or should i say most of the time.if i can only term it negatively,let me say that love is BULLSHIT.However, ironically speaking i also like it as much as i hate it.funny.blah!blah!blah!

"they used to say that i had that poor-choice-of-partner capability.i really don't think so.it just all happened.and right now,i must admit,i feel myself helplessly falling,holding on to the feeling of love towards this person.it feels that it is so right when it's completely wrong.a lot of times,i have some intracommunication,reminding myself to control my emotion,think clear and be responsible.but at the back of my mind,i admit that i really had a great time with him and even if i turned the clock back,i would make the same choice.no remorse.no regrets".

i am feeling that,i admit but i know logically speaking that is BULLSHIT.CRAP.

love is the reason why people started to confuse logic from emotion and emotion from logic.

"you are just complicating things," she said.

i know,and if only it was never hard to choose,it wouldn't get this far.like i was stuck on a situation where in i was asking myself should i turn away and run to a safe place or jump off the cliff and see what happens?poor me.it is so hard enough to deal with your very own self.pathetic.

Moving forward,whichever it is,not only him,every people we meet always has a great impact in our existence.we just have to keep in mind that there are some things that are not really meant to be.there is always this person who,unfortunately gets away.worst is,he or she should have been the one but just arrived at a later time.And,realistically speaking,learning to live without the people that we used to be with will be a tremendous adjustment we have to cope with.as they said,they had been a part of your journey,of your existence and at the latter part of this game,we will discover why it had happened.Inevitably we will soon live in a tangled life and rarely,it seems to be pointless to try untangling it.

i am in pain,and i know it's going to be a million times worse when that "time" comes.yeah,the most difficult time is about to come.

insanity?

life is always full of wicked,unexpected turns in the road.it is messy and full of complications at times.there are points that we find ourselves railing against what is right,what is moral or what is must.it pains us so much most specially when the one we are arguing with is our very own self.you keep on thinking that what has to be done,has to be done but end up what?making fool out of yourself. damn.

i ran out of words due to the fact that yeah,i have so much thoughts to say.i have so many things to unload.i have so much.

a lot of things had happened lately that i even found it awfully hard where to start and how shall i end it.well,i must say that i am living a complicated life "again."

Sometimes I wanna ask myself, "how can i be that STUPID?how can I be that insane,huh?" but as i go over the reasons on why i end up doing those,actions are somehow JUSTIFIED.I have been getting a lot recently.I admit,history is repeating itself.And how pathetic it is in the eyes of other people that i never ever learned.I know that I don't have to explain nor defend myself to them,maybe because I have been tired enough to do such.Anyhow,i certainly believe that you cannot really say you completely know a person,it's just that there are things that you learned or known about them.Or probably,i had stopped caring about what other people might say so long as I know the consequences and that I can stand on my own at the end.I greatly appreciate everything but allow me to decide for myself.I know you might termed this as insanity,anyway that's going to be your call.

I was in deep thought last time when a new acquaintance of mine sent me this SMS:

"It is a always risk to like someone and it involves time, patience and understanding to get someone's heart to open up. At times, it will work other times it won't. But that's why you call it a RISK - you invest in something and there's a possibility that you WON'T win.However you still get something in return:strength of heart and mind,and the assurance that you won't have any REGRETS from not trying."

That quote had a point.Just let those words do the explanation for you.

Did you get attracted to someone you never thought you will?Well,More often than not,we never fall for someone we are SUPPOSED to fall with.

I must say that he is one of the those who exhilarates me as of yet.as they say,extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never try to look in.i am guilty of that.surprisingly, i blissfully enjoy moments spent with him but definitely I am aware that everything in this world is impermanent and that I know for a fact that worse comes to worst,the feeling will soon last.nothing lasts forever.it has to end.and how I wish when that time comes,I will still be able to recuperate not relapse.

ugly truth.

yesterday was indeed a tiring day.but extraordinary,i must say.

i finally had a meaningful off again.

muli kong binalikan ang buhay bilang masscom student.my friend kase has an advocacy in regard to disabled citizens (which they highly recommend to be termed as PWD - people with disability instead) towards the upcoming 2010 Election.i am not really particular sa concept talaga but so far,it's all about giving rights to the said PWD as a Filipino citizen.

nakakapagod.wala kameng dalang permit,kaya may mga pagkakataon na patago at panakaw ang mga shots.ewan ko ba,alam namen na isa sa mga basics 'yun na dapat isecure sa preprod pero wala kameng dala.tama na ang digicam at tripod.reshoot na kase,deadline na ng 5-min indie film nya sa Lunes,so we really don't have much time now.lakad,takbo.at dahil PWD ang target,kinailangan namen na maghanap ng mga subject.venue?cubao footbridge at cubao mrt station.tumambay kame sa isang kanto sa Edsa.Maraming tao,magulo.Hinanap namen yung date nyang nakita during her occular inspection pero hindi namen sya naabutan.but patience is a virtue,we were talking about the pantene commercial when a PWD crossed the street.in all fairness,ang bilis nya,so habol talaga kame.result?mejo blurred ang mga shots.the last one that we had yesterday will be a blind woman named Maridick.She was alone when we saw her,asking a vendor kung saan yung papunta sa mataas na building na katapat ng seven eleven as she plainfully decribed it.we noticed she needed help plus the fact that,yes,she's a potential subject as well.we assisted her 'til we reached Blind Resources Center.Doon tumambad sa amin ang ilang Pilipinong kagaya nya na patuloy na nabubuhay sa kabila ng kapinsanan na mayroon sila.agaw-pansin sa akin ang babaeng nasa front desk.she was wearing her headset,blissfully conversing with someone when i noticed the display on top of her desk,it has her name,and it's indicated there that she is also blind but we can seek help from her though.right,nabubuhay at nagtatrabaho pa rin ng parang normal.inusisa ko si Ate Maridick,dun ko nalaman na may asawa at mga anak sya and that she's from Cavite.i just can't imagine how she managed heading from Cavite to Cubao all by her self considering that she is blind.samantalang ako,normal na tao,hindi makaalis mag-isa.pathetic na ata ang case ko.pathetic na nga ata ang case ng ilang Pilipino.May ilan akong natutunan,maliban sa narefresh ang utak ko with regards sa film making.Nakakapagod,eto yung pagod na matagal ko na ring hindi naranasan.Fulfilling.

We headed to Greenhills,St. Francis Square and Mega Mall after to check some stuff.Marami kameng nakasalamuhang tao.Mga kapwa Pilipino.With that,I was able to open my eyes again sa hirap na dinaranas ng Pinas.Nakakaguilty,nakakapanglumong mga senaryo,nakakagising.Isa sa mga pangit na katotohanan.Minsan gusto ko nang intindihin kung bakit mageexist and mga "tibak."Mahirap ang paraan nila ng pakikipaglaban,pero i must say,saludo ako sa tapang at paninindigan nila.Tibak,iba ka!

Magdadalawang linggo na ang nakakaraan matapos dumaan ang Bagyong Ondoy na naging hamon sa maraming Pilipino.Maraming lugar pa rin ang lubog sa baha,marami pa ring mamamayan ang itinuring na tahanan ang kapirasong bubong na tinutuluyan.State of the National Calamity.Nakakapanglumo.Nakakawalang pag-asa sa ilan.Pero hindi tayo dapat huminto dito,kagaya ni Ate Maridick sa patuloy nyang pakikipaglaban.BABANGON TAYO.Sabi nga,may imposible sa mga Pilipino?

an ordeal.

roads were gone..


..streets were filled with massive flood..


.. a month's rainfall that fell in just nine hours..


..for most of us,it was indeed a plight.

Inexplicably,these scenes were taken in real life.Much like from a movie that everyone hoped and wished someone from above will shout CUT,and it's all over,but sadly there was none,no one.

much has been posted,disseminated and communicated about this particular ordeal that hit our country.the aftermath are all heart-wrenching.it left a permanent mark in the heart and mind of every Filipino.

i had a shift the night Ondoy,(Ketsana,as the international name) initially hit Central part of Luzon.that was Friday shift but since my time was 3am it was then technically Saturday morning.I woke up around 1am and noticed that yes,heavy rain was pouring.I thought it was just like any other typhoons we had but when i started walking down our street and waited for a cab, i started to feel something unusual.Our workplace happens to be located at the top floor of Market!Market! and it was usual to hear it when it's raining.I admit,suceeding hours passed by ordinarily inside our office until it was around 11am.I started receiving texts from my family how flooded our area was,same thing with other officemates how had left earlier than my time.I texted my stepdad and asked if he can possibly fetch me for a more convenient travel time however he responded that he wasn't able to drive in the first place due to such deluge in most areas in Pasig.I wasn't thinking of a much worse scenario until my officemates and I decided to try going home,and there it was.stranded people,and we were one of them.with that scenario,i wasn't really sure if i'll be able to get home that day.it was really a good thing that one of the team captains offered help.he drove us until we reached Pasig Church.roads were indeed covered by flood,people were scattered everywhere and traffic didn't lose its place.i was out of work at 12noon that day and yes,fortunately,given that scenario i was still able to get home just four hours after.we had no service,no internet connection and no access to network.that was NOTHING,indeed nothing compared to the traumatic experiences that most Filipinos in Marikina and Cainta had.I, my family were still lucky but still,i fret.The aftermath is really hideous.no one was exempted.

That was not enough for me to know how hard most of the Filipinos had suffered.I just heard stories being told but i still wanted to see it with my own two eyes.And that was granted when I watched The Correspondents that Tuesday night.Every video clip was really sickening most especially when i saw the video of the bedraggled kids.I honestly felt like crying.Admittedly,i started to fear that doomsday do exist.But i still hope it doesn't.

As of September 30th,number of death rised to 246 as Pepeng,(Parma,as the international name)nears our area of responsibility.We haven't been through yet but two other typhoons are making its way to us.Worst,the said figures are still expected to go up most especially when the SEARCH and RESCUE operation ended up to be SEARCH and RETRIEVAL only.Rescue operation were deployed but for some it was already late.It was such a pathetic scene and very much ungodly but surprisingly,the idea of quitting didn't occur to these people.

"Get in line!" - barked at the hungry hordes.

With the relief operation being conducted by the two largest network in our country we are starting to recuperate.It was great that a lot of us practiced volunteerism this time.Tiring though but the beatific smile on the victims face is enough to feel that it's indeed fulfilling and brought real happiness we ever known.

That must be a wake up call from our mother nature that we need to keep in mind.It was such a nightmare.traumatic that we almost felt like we were hapless.But amid the chaos of the flood disaster,we,very Filipino will rise and start all over again.