close to the end...

better a terrible pain now than a total disaster later on.

i am beaten.

i am aching.

i am tired.

i am forlorn.

i am annoyed.

everything is messed up now.and it's getting tougher.

i wanted to cry.i am craving for someone that i can talk to.someone who is more than willing to listen though might stab me in front afterward.someone who can understand me no matter how foul the situation is.someone who is not biased.someone who's objective enough.someone who's willing to embrace and comfort me though they know how valiant am i.if not so,i just wanted to shout.these things will going to be a relief somehow.but,unfortunately,i don't have any of those as an option.i can't cry cause i can't show to those persons i am being with most of the time how weak and stupid am i.i can't shout either.i am not with those people who completely understand me so why do that?i am not completely fool yet.it feels like shit when you want to breakdown and cry and found nothing but an empty sheet in front of you.you can throw all the words,jot down everything you want to unload and at the latter part,get no response.that's shit.

i'm down.and i am clueless what step shall i take.terrible.i am feeling so much ache in my heart seeing him.i wanted to tell him everything.that i'm quite remorseful for what happened.that i wanted to give up but deep inside still willing to hold on and fight.that i am damn aching,just because i love him.i do love him.but i can't.cause i am still trying to consider the possible things that might happen after between the two of us,between them.it hurts damn much.and i can no longer take the enormous pain.i honestly can't.

how i wish that in those men lined up ten deep at my door i can see his face.or even the face of this someone who can possibly revive me from nothingness.doubtful.though i completely know i only have myself to help me,still it feels good to know someone who will take care of you romantically.someone who's gonna be your man,and you as her woman,not the other woman.

i am annoyed to myself why I conceded this to happen.why did i settle for less?and now,i need to let go someone who's in the first place I should have not wasted my time with.now,now that i am loving him the most,it's damn to hard to let go and leave things behind.oh!phony guy.


just yesterday,after nine months of being "almost there" he finally said he loves me,just at the same time that i admitted him that i 'm almost giving up.loving him makes sense for some reason now,but i couldn't bear the thought that i am not the only woman in his life.he doesnt see the whole picture and prefers having a good time.he may not be the right guy in the long run,i guess.i just hope that he'll be gone,in that way i might feel differently one day.but life is not magic,life is reality and we have to deal with it.i am stucked.indecisive.i never allowed myself to love him but i just realized one day that i already do.how i wish i'll just wake up one day that things are in the right and proper order.that i am no longer under his spell.i don't want to give up but a lot of things hinder me to fight and hold on either.

i'm getting close to the end but at the back of my mind how i still wish i am not.but it needs to.it hurt too much and maybe it will always would if i'll allow that to happen and totally destroy me at the end.i couldn't take the agony anymore.i have been lonely for so long now.it's not healthy.i have to stop,however i am aware it would take too much effort from me.i am pretty aware of that.

truly,in a romantic relationship,it happens that sooner or later,feelings will die and the one is left alone and has to start again.this is how awful love is.

i am close to the end..

*sigh*

when is enough enough?

I AM NOT IMPECCABLY DESIGNED.AND WE ARE NOT IN A PERFECTLY MOLDED WORLD EITHER.

so,tell how was the last five days?yeah,yeah.kinda new.due to sickness i was not able to atleast check out my online buds namely:multiply,friendster,facebook,my yahoomail,imeem,youtube,and oh!how could i forget you,my blogsite and to complete the band,here goes articleincome and plurk!wheew!what else do you have?keep this counting!haha!what's new?what do you want to hear?duh!same old stories...poor site.

auto zero from my call audit and the "bullshit thing" started to ruin my last week as early as Wednesday night.pity me.

my call was about to end when Ms. *** from the quality assurance team tapped me at my back and advised me to go on aux right after for some coaching with regards to my audit.agigated me,i left our bay after the last caller hung up without having the account documented yet.i always knew it,there might be something wrong.something stupid that you have done during the call,that's pretty normal,it just so happened that among the hundred calls i hadled,a bad call was audited.i repeat,it was really a BAD CALL.why?then tell me what would sum up by adding these elements: upset customer_poor line connection_irritated care advocate_roundabout for seven minutes_noise pollution_and failed to follow escalation procedure?what's most likely to happen?the call is indeed a bad one.good thing?i knew my fault.the call was seven minutes.seven minutes of having roundabout.seven minutes of explaining the timeframe to a customer who found it very hard to comprehend.seven minutes of the customer insisting her side in the same manner that i have done.tell me then,when is enough enough for that call?still,it's indeed my bad.i'm aware.i know.

i was conversing with my immediate supervisor regarding that event when he suddenly threw distressing words.something which i found very much difficult to swallow.not that i'm too much sensitive,just try to be on the receiving end.i do my work on the the level that i know i should,not that much,not that less.i take jokes but realistically,i have my limits.that's given.i was waiting for him to recant.but he never did.so,when is enough enough again?...SIGH...at the end of the day,i was told that i just misheard that.i may be stupid but not all the time.BUT IF THAT HAPPENS TO BE THE CASE,BE IT.thanks for the respect.that's LIKEWISE.anyway,it's a petty thing.business as usual.

I REPEAT.i am not impeccably designed.and we are not living in a perfectly develop world either.shit happens.everyone knows it does.

I went home not feeling well.that night was so long plus the longer travel time i had due to Pasig feast that most of the main roads were closed and i have to take a different route,much time_more hassle way.an hour and a half after,i am finally home,feeling something unexplainable.i wont enumerate what i have felt.but believe me,the feeling was awful.i immediately informed my "sup" that i might be absent if the awful feeling will continue.how predictable.he put the blame to a tiff that we had that night.i honestly don't know if i'll get disappointed to myself or to him for having that idea in mind.disappointed on myself in a way that,have i committed a single thing that made him think i am not professional when it comes to work?am i still that childlike in deed?on the other hand,disappointed to him for being so narrow minded,i just found him that way,that time.i just hated it.people get tired and unfortunately get sick.INEVITABLE,right?so,when is enough enough for this?


our team reigned the floor for some months before.no one was able to beat us.we have done what we need to do.i personally did that out of respect and for the team's goal too.we had a good perfomance due to team effort.we accomplished what we have to accomplished.i know it was impressive.but things change.and the sad thing about that,when you committed a single mistake,all the good things that you have done and contributed will vanish all of a sudden.it will.it's like good, good, good then one bad your down.that's the sad thing.i guess this is when,ENOUGH will be ENOUGH.


i don't know.i am not used to closing windows.truly,what comes next is always unseen and unknown.i am just annoyed on how things are getting now.i'm pissed but still trying to overcome...

completely awry.

just had a disgusting weekend.i am not that feeling well to enumerate those,but i sure will in time.