better a terrible pain now than a total disaster later on.
i am beaten.
i am aching.
i am tired.
i am forlorn.
i am annoyed.
everything is messed up now.and it's getting tougher.
i wanted to cry.i am craving for someone that i can talk to.someone who is more than willing to listen though might stab me in front afterward.someone who can understand me no matter how foul the situation is.someone who is not biased.someone who's objective enough.someone who's willing to embrace and comfort me though they know how valiant am i.if not so,i just wanted to shout.these things will going to be a relief somehow.but,unfortunately,i don't have any of those as an option.i can't cry cause i can't show to those persons i am being with most of the time how weak and stupid am i.i can't shout either.i am not with those people who completely understand me so why do that?i am not completely fool yet.it feels like shit when you want to breakdown and cry and found nothing but an empty sheet in front of you.you can throw all the words,jot down everything you want to unload and at the latter part,get no response.that's shit.
i'm down.and i am clueless what step shall i take.terrible.i am feeling so much ache in my heart seeing him.i wanted to tell him everything.that i'm quite remorseful for what happened.that i wanted to give up but deep inside still willing to hold on and fight.that i am damn aching,just because i love him.i do love him.but i can't.cause i am still trying to consider the possible things that might happen after between the two of us,between them.it hurts damn much.and i can no longer take the enormous pain.i honestly can't.
how i wish that in those men lined up ten deep at my door i can see his face.or even the face of this someone who can possibly revive me from nothingness.doubtful.though i completely know i only have myself to help me,still it feels good to know someone who will take care of you romantically.someone who's gonna be your man,and you as her woman,not the other woman.
i am annoyed to myself why I conceded this to happen.why did i settle for less?and now,i need to let go someone who's in the first place I should have not wasted my time with.now,now that i am loving him the most,it's damn to hard to let go and leave things behind.oh!phony guy.
just yesterday,after nine months of being "almost there" he finally said he loves me,just at the same time that i admitted him that i 'm almost giving up.loving him makes sense for some reason now,but i couldn't bear the thought that i am not the only woman in his life.he doesnt see the whole picture and prefers having a good time.he may not be the right guy in the long run,i guess.i just hope that he'll be gone,in that way i might feel differently one day.but life is not magic,life is reality and we have to deal with it.i am stucked.indecisive.i never allowed myself to love him but i just realized one day that i already do.how i wish i'll just wake up one day that things are in the right and proper order.that i am no longer under his spell.i don't want to give up but a lot of things hinder me to fight and hold on either.
i'm getting close to the end but at the back of my mind how i still wish i am not.but it needs to.it hurt too much and maybe it will always would if i'll allow that to happen and totally destroy me at the end.i couldn't take the agony anymore.i have been lonely for so long now.it's not healthy.i have to stop,however i am aware it would take too much effort from me.i am pretty aware of that.
truly,in a romantic relationship,it happens that sooner or later,feelings will die and the one is left alone and has to start again.this is how awful love is.
i am close to the end..
*sigh*
i am beaten.
i am aching.
i am tired.
i am forlorn.
i am annoyed.
everything is messed up now.and it's getting tougher.
i wanted to cry.i am craving for someone that i can talk to.someone who is more than willing to listen though might stab me in front afterward.someone who can understand me no matter how foul the situation is.someone who is not biased.someone who's objective enough.someone who's willing to embrace and comfort me though they know how valiant am i.if not so,i just wanted to shout.these things will going to be a relief somehow.but,unfortunately,i don't have any of those as an option.i can't cry cause i can't show to those persons i am being with most of the time how weak and stupid am i.i can't shout either.i am not with those people who completely understand me so why do that?i am not completely fool yet.it feels like shit when you want to breakdown and cry and found nothing but an empty sheet in front of you.you can throw all the words,jot down everything you want to unload and at the latter part,get no response.that's shit.
i'm down.and i am clueless what step shall i take.terrible.i am feeling so much ache in my heart seeing him.i wanted to tell him everything.that i'm quite remorseful for what happened.that i wanted to give up but deep inside still willing to hold on and fight.that i am damn aching,just because i love him.i do love him.but i can't.cause i am still trying to consider the possible things that might happen after between the two of us,between them.it hurts damn much.and i can no longer take the enormous pain.i honestly can't.
how i wish that in those men lined up ten deep at my door i can see his face.or even the face of this someone who can possibly revive me from nothingness.doubtful.though i completely know i only have myself to help me,still it feels good to know someone who will take care of you romantically.someone who's gonna be your man,and you as her woman,not the other woman.
i am annoyed to myself why I conceded this to happen.why did i settle for less?and now,i need to let go someone who's in the first place I should have not wasted my time with.now,now that i am loving him the most,it's damn to hard to let go and leave things behind.oh!phony guy.
just yesterday,after nine months of being "almost there" he finally said he loves me,just at the same time that i admitted him that i 'm almost giving up.loving him makes sense for some reason now,but i couldn't bear the thought that i am not the only woman in his life.he doesnt see the whole picture and prefers having a good time.he may not be the right guy in the long run,i guess.i just hope that he'll be gone,in that way i might feel differently one day.but life is not magic,life is reality and we have to deal with it.i am stucked.indecisive.i never allowed myself to love him but i just realized one day that i already do.how i wish i'll just wake up one day that things are in the right and proper order.that i am no longer under his spell.i don't want to give up but a lot of things hinder me to fight and hold on either.
i'm getting close to the end but at the back of my mind how i still wish i am not.but it needs to.it hurt too much and maybe it will always would if i'll allow that to happen and totally destroy me at the end.i couldn't take the agony anymore.i have been lonely for so long now.it's not healthy.i have to stop,however i am aware it would take too much effort from me.i am pretty aware of that.
truly,in a romantic relationship,it happens that sooner or later,feelings will die and the one is left alone and has to start again.this is how awful love is.
i am close to the end..
*sigh*
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