plain love.

"When I see him, his smile, his frown, his eyes, just everything about him,I end up liking him just as much as I did before I stop. I guess once you love someone, and admit it, there’s no crossing back. It’s a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart. Because once you have loved that someone, it doesn’t go away. You’re forced to care. And though how much you wish to prevent it, deep inside you know, he’ll always be special…"

-always be special.

i have seen this so called achy-breaky-hearts-thoughts from a friend's page.thought was expressed so bluntly and pretty much plainly.but i must admit,i fell in love with this thought.it's buggin and oh,pity me!my mind is preoccupied.

i don't know if i shall put all the blame on my page for pampering me whenever I've got no one to share emotional thoughts with.it is completely tolerating me to prolong the agony,and just then i realized,at the end of the day,i have been lonely for too long.blame it on love,i guess!

day after day,thought of being a single woman doesn't leave my mind.believe me,whenever i see couples,i end up thinking who's gonna be the next lucky guy who'll share everyday life with me romantically?i was dying to escape the thought,but i hunters me for some reason.it does.how pathetic.

i never envisioned myself to be alone,however i am afraid that destiny did.how childish it may seem but i am still dreaming of an elegant,beautiful,unforgettable,not too showy and executed in the most exquisite way wedding in time.one day,i will still be marrying a man that i love just as much as he will love me.oh!i can't wait!

have you heard about committed love?it's when you're willing to commit your life to one person,you take a pledge to remain true throughout good and bad times.nah!too tautological.anyway,that's something most of us would know.'lemme ask,have you ever felt such stage of love?personally,i don't think so but i am afraid i did.i always believe that in one's lifetime,we are just destined to love and commit ourselves to one person.not two,not three.i repeat,to only one.that will take too much effort and ending up with that person doesn't always follow,realistically speaking.maybe in the long run,parting ways will be possible.it has been said that disappointments come our lives,it never failed to come - no matter how the two of you love each other so much.exemption is always present.one may go,one may leave,you might feel differently one day.that's pretty much predictable.oh well,that's one of the life's cruelties yet,somewhere in it there will be a gift one day.

i am incredibly attracted to one guy as of the moment.someone i scarcely knew.however,i couldnt think of him as a romantic possiblity.out of respect and sanity,i guess.bad habit.i am haunted by him most of the time.it's crazy.admittedly,often times,crazy is good.but i have my parameters set,never i thought of falling in love with that person.i am not in condition to do that.and i've learned.hearts can be very easily hurt.we have just started conversing couple of days and that wouldnt justify the attraction to lead to emotional investment.i blissfully conversed with him,nothing more,nothing less.he is not a boyfriend material,a lover,a suitor or candidate on any of those.i only know one thing,he's a bad habit,indeed.i honestly don't know why my fingers continuosly hit the keyboard and came up with this thought.hmm..

going back,in connection to the aforementioned "committed love",i am afraid i have it.believe me.i felt that.and when you do,as i did,regardless of the status quo you two both have,love will find it's way.and though it may not to be destined today,it can be in time.in another lifetime.at least,you know,you loved.that's all enough.no crossing back.and at the end of the day,you will know,it's a love at price.it's worthwhile.the best is yet to come.

LOVE -

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered;it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails".

I Corinthians 13:4-8

wakeful.

weekend,a sought after part of the week before.I'm the person who was always looking forward spending weekend in a normal way a normal people will do.a time to spend with family and friends.to relax,to rest.it's the most enjoyable part of the day for me.just like the enticing cake decoration a kid would usually fight for.but this time,it was the other way around.this is one of the worthy-to-be-remarkable weekend ever passed in my life mostly in the negative sense.one of the weekends i didn't wait for and look forward to.if only i could stop the clock,i should have done that.but i can't,and this needs to happen,though it's too hard for me to swallow.

i haven't slept yet since last Friday or should i say,recently.ironic,each shift was tiring and yet,i can't get enough sleep and rest.everything was sudden and how i wish i should have managed each thing to happen one at a time.however,it was uncontrollable.there's no turning back the clock.and that saddened me a lot.

'tol finally left last night in line with the work waiting for him in the Middle East after a month of preparing all the necessary stuffs.yeah,just a month was given,and it was just last june 23rd when he knew he will leave five days after.another enormous shock not only for me,but for my family as well,and that's pretty much predictable.we always knew it will be for him,for his betterment.but the thought of him leaving,us parting ways makes me sick.it does,it really does.and the scenario last night is one of those i wasnt able to manage to pretend.flood of emotions.i was always the kind of sibling who wouldnt let any in our family see the weak side of me.i always make it a point that i will not cry with them seeing me.i'm not that type.no matter how heavy the situation and the atmosphere is,i make sure they wouldn't see me crying.better not in fact.but yesternight was a different one,and i opted to outburst my emotion.just an indication.

he is the best brother i have.words wouldnt be enough to express how best he is for me at the same thing that this page wouldnt be wide enough for me to enumerate all the good things and eliviate everything.if the word bestest exists,then i would tag him as one.if at the age of twenty one i have gone through a lot,at the age of twenty eight he had gone more than what a have gone through.he deserves to be happy.he deserves a lot.and i know in time,he'll finally will..this is a part of his journey and in the latter part,certainly we will discover why it happened.

today is the first day that he was gone.thanks,thanks for the power of net connection and mobile phones that we can still keep in touch with him no matter what part of the world he is.in that way,somehow it lightens the situation between us.he may be gone in a while,in six months,a year or two,i honestly don't know how long but i promised him,when he gets back we are still complete in the literal sense and Ilocos will also be waiting for us,sure thing.

oh,this is a lazy weekend,i got no plans and i am still trying to recover...i wish i can get enough sleep as tonight turns into a day...weekend is again,ALMOST OVER...

confession.

"i must admit.i missed being with you guys.i am looking forward to spend time with you again.i have lots of things to share.i know you so the same.hope we can be together again..chat over coffee,stroll,do pizzas,music tripping,sharing ideas,sharing stories...i missed being with all the people whom i can comfy with..."

me,being a single woman.

though i love weekend still,it is something that i feared most.everyone else in the world have someone to be with and i don't have one.i'ts not a big deal for me but i can't escape the thought of it.and it occurred to me to ask how long shall i stay being a single woman?

i am not in a rush nor unhappy being one.i ain't feeling the vacuity.but a lot of times,i caught myself thinking on why it's been four years and still no one deserved had come yet.if there's any,none of them sounds appealing to me.it can be true that there's no more decent man left in the lot.and so i began wondering if they were all i could find and all the good ones belonged to someone else?my friend told me a while ago, "lahat ng matino taken na,pero hindi lahat ng taken matino".i myself had proven that with my own two eyes.those guys are completely fool.certainly.

it has been four years.and still counting...

i just want to wake up one day with someone that i'm gonna share my life with romantically.believe me,i missed the feeling.i surely do.

dating is shit,and it can be the last thing i wanted.i am not in the right mind set for it.i would'nt go out with someone that i am not completely at ease with,not the one that i don't completely know, and obviously,not with someone which is not my type.it's just awful to tell you that a lot of guys i met didnt seem to be one.so,better be alone then.anyway,i always believe that we should go to someone we love than someone who loves us.i personally believe that it's better to be hurt,than to be the one who'll cause hurt to someone.it's one thing that i cannot really take.never.

"you'll never know how love is going to walk into your life or if it will.and when it does,you don't know what face it's going to wear" - daniel steel

God will always have his plans,how i wish i am not destined to be alone 'til my last breath drops...

annoyed.

it has been said that there are times we have to look hard to decide which are the flowers and which are the weeds.and even then,a lot of times we are not sure.

what a dire day it was.disgusting as hell.believe me.it then occurred to me to think if there's something wrong with me.i'm a bitch,i know.it can happen that a lot of people wouldn't like me,but life is fair,a greater possibility will be me - not liking them.i just mirror the person and situation i am dealing with.it's not my problem if theydeserve such.desperate situation calls desperate resolution.

we just had an awful experience last Tuesday after shift.one or should i say two employees of the prestigious GOLD's Gym ruined our day.yeah,right.there's no normal left.if just in case there is,it's pretty much minimal and those two employees from GOLD's Gym are not one of them.i won't go on details.i hate the thought of those two people.they make me ill.i just hate them.and surething,i will file a complaint against those two.i certainly will.

i was not planning to do such,nor literally destroy them with their work,but those two guys pushed me to do so.well,they want it,i'll give it.i'll conquer all the possible ways,yoji.watch out.i'm pissed.and i hate myself whan i am.i told you.

what's on your mind?

nakakaloka ang facebook.i just had a bad night,i am stressed.*but not sad,i guess*... sadyang pinanindigan na ata ng trabaho na isa nga syang "herculean work"... wheew!going back,i just decided to open the laptop and simply check online accounts...just found myself conversing with my friends.. dozen of friends...they missed me,so do i...

everytime i log in to my facebook account,lageng agaw pansin ang tanong na "what's on your mind?".. cool,and not really good at times.. i personally do online to entertain myself after a 9-hour shift is over... but when that question popped up,come on..i end up lost,i guess...

so what's on my mind now?

i am physically tired,mentally stressed preoccupied and emotionally stressed.this is what i initially thought upon me reading that question today.
i am always telling that i am tired.and i guess,i am really one.
good thing that i am no longer under his spell.half of me wanted to see him,half didnt.and i am just enjoying my life,meeting new people,conversing and continuously learning lots of things...but at the end of the day,i realize,life is more than just fun.and as we get into bed,you'll still be occupied by those things you have tried to escape and get rid off during the entire day.pathetic.and that must have hurt.as they said,no matter how good the day was,it will always have its sunset...

i am not naive,as far as i know,but why does it seem that i am one?as if i am not learning?
i wanted to be completely sane.simply doing the right thing.
i wanted to avoid how he looks at me appreciatively.
how his smile looks like a toothpaste ad in television.maybe bacause of his perfect teeth i guess,haha...
just everything about him.

i am still on the process..just uncertain until when...
soon i guess...

i just wanted to cry.

best-KEPT-secret.indeed.

"if we contemplate on the past for too long,we pass up the chance to change and grow.whether we like it or not,it takes extra effort to accommodate changes in our lives.we have to make choices.we have to let things go.we have to let things change."

let go.let things change.it's never that easy.it never was and it will never be.

i literally want to cry.it makes me feel ill.i am doing this blog pensively,spontaneously.i just wanted to outburst everything.i wanted to cry because it would going to be a relief somehow.but i'm annoyed to do that.this is a petty thing i am not supposed to dwell that much.but i can't resist.i honestly can't.

i shouldn't concede that to happen.i was too brave that i wished and hoped i was not that brave enough.i was startled i have done two stupid things.it was completely awry.it doesn't bring good.it never did.well,things like this happen,and it hurts like hell when this shit happens to you.believe me.i am grieving as if i lost someone and it seems that it was never that easy.oh,it never was.my bad.i am pretty aware what to do.i am not supposed to make a fool out of myself competing with other girls.if it wasn't meant to be,it's not.i have to accept that.but i end up loving him.again and again and again.phony guy.

me and my friends together with one of the most valuable persons i met at work was having a tete-a-tete earlier this day.amidst that she mentioned,though not the exact words,she said,you can fight but you always have to know when to stop.and it doesn't mean you have given up.it's pure acceptance only valiant people can do.if there's one thing that i'll be grateful being a valiant lady,that's learning how to accept and knowing when to fight and when to stop.it's pointless to fight if it's not worth fighting for.we all know that.

*it's weird that we always know what to do but still we opted to be hurt and grieve over a matter.awful.*

being single have been too much fun.but it's always nice to think that you have someone to share your life with
other than family and friends.as i get to bed right after this,i know,i'll fall asleep crying.how i hope in that way,everything will end..

remarkable breed.

"respect is being earned,you are aware of it, right?" - theresa

this morning was indeed something unusual.i woke up around six in the morning and found myself engaged in conversation with some of the people i really used to confide with ever since.topic?gaining respect and being respected.the published response from a friend of mine retained in my mind.how i hope that response would make me to be completely sane.she benignly and bluntly sent that text to me when i mentioned about having respect.and she was right,it's something that we earn.that statement was stressed out when she added. "it's how you treat yourself and the people around you...how you stand by the values you believe in..."

i am living in a big bad world full of creeps, jerks and cheaters.and the probability of finding good one seemed about as great as finding needle in the proverbial haystack.i am craving for something good to happen instead of disaster and trauma.i am getting to be severely disappointed to myself and how i wish i can manage the soonest time possible to turn the ship around.on the contrary,i still find myself enjoying what am i doing.too bad.

amidst the conversation different suggestions were raised,however none of them sounded appealing to me.or,it could be the other way around.it's just that,i opted not to take that into consideration AS OF THE MEAN TIME.

i am wanting for someone that i love to take care of me emotionally or at the very least,have a serious romance.i hated realizing that i am lonely.i am starting to hate myself in the same manner that i started hating all the guys for their foibles.that weakness of them is just like how H1N1 is being considered now in our nation - PANDEMIC.i am dying to fathom that it's their nature,but i can't cause i don't want to.perfidy is their nature.

"hello-goodbye-thank you-get lost" - i am getting tired of this.the thought of this makes me feel ill somehow.i am feeble.

my tyrant immediate boss and the herculean work i have plus the dozen of friends i can count on anytime of the day divert my attention into something that has a lot more sense that what i do have now.they actually helped me finding something that would occupy my time which is a lot more fulfilling than my usual routine.i am grateful i have them.

i'm in quest of knowing how would you drop a bomb for someone you care for?i wanted to stay away out of respect.but for some reason,i can't.

i am a remarkable breed.i deserve some damn respect just like every other women in town.

from facebook.

Money: 47%
Love: 93%
Overall Happiness: 76%

You are sometimes struggling but have a generally jovial disposition always.

can we really measure happiness?sort of i guess.

i was just about to check my online accounts for updates when suddenly i found myself answering bunch of surveys from my facebook account...

i also tried the one which aimed to know what quote best fit my life... result?

"You are in love with love. The idea of romance

stirs your soul and you wouldn't have it any other

way".

i don't think so...

and the mental disorder i have?

You are constantly thinking about what others may be saying about you behind your back. You may also feel people have conspiracies against you, or they are out to get you. In crowds you may feel like everybody is watching to closely.