forgo.

we need to make sense of yesterdays.

few hours left and i am officially 22 years old.

another year is almost over.another year is about to end.another year of pretension and being valiant is about to start all over again.another chapter of life.Truly,ALL ENDINGS ARE ALSO BEGINNINGS.and i thank life for that.

OPEN BOOK.This is the kind of life i used to live before.I treated everybody as someone dependable enough.Someone that i can trust.That i can be perfectly comfortable with.I was wrong,completely.And it's nice to know that i learned to determine flowers from the weeds.I learned to set boundaries.I learned to understand people and how to deal with them.

Disappointments come in one's life,it never failed to come .It's basically how you perceive such and value what you had.It's up to the person to fight or leave things behind.I strongly detest getting tired with a friend.It is actually the last thing that I will ever feel for someone i value as such.But i couldn't bear the thought anymore.It caused so much pain.And the only option that i will do is to rest and stop.Taking a rest is way different from giving up,anyway.I need it,and I will do it.FORGO of everything.Come on,holding anger is a poison.


It's really true that the capacity of human for burden is much like of a bamboo.It's far more flexible that we'd see it in the first glance.And as i used to say,we are not aware that we are strong 'til we realized that it will be the only option that we have.I,myself have proven that.No need for a superman to show up and save you.We aren't sure if we are someone worth saving in the eyes of other people.So don't wait for a superman or a savior to appear in your life,you can do it by yourself.And sometimes you need to do it all by yourself.

The last few days or should I say last few weeks of my 21st year seemed to be very stressful and much tiresome.I must say that i have realized I am now living in a much different world compared to the one that i used to live before.Different faces,different personalities,different relationships.EVERYTHING seems to be an unfamiliar face.Admittedly,dealing with it makes life to be a serious battle.And at the end of the day,it feels great that against all odds, we survive.I did.

Moving forward,I'll be undergoing an excision biopsy if not today,the following day.I browsed the net cause i have no idea yet on how will that minor operation will be done.Since according to my surgeon he will make use of a generic anesthesia instead of the local one,i pretty get excited on how it will feel to be under sedatives.At some point,I will feel numb,lost and adrift.Nice,isn't?

Down to fifteen hours before my day.Still clueless of everything.Things happen.Unwanted and uninvited events happen,they are part of our journey.Anyhow in the latter part of the day,we'll discover why those had occurred.There is always a reason,just let that reason exist.

deteriorating.

should i known the consequences,i should have managed to turn around.
something is always going on and it never seems to end.
shit happens,and it feels like hell.

i have been in a lot lately.i am so wounded that i even don't know how to put all those in words.mouthful.

disappointments.everybody hates this.most of us avoids such.but are we aware that in simple acts of us,others get disappointed?that sometimes,no matter how careful we are,little acts of us might have negative impact to others.result?HELL.

i value friendship a lot.but i commit mistakes as well.and i am not the ideal type of friend.i also have my flaws.one big question that bothers me a lot,why people used to judge people negatively in a single mistake they had committed?why do we use to come up with this negative thoughts whenever we get disappointed with someone?why most of us relatively say that, that's all she got,she's like that,she's only like this when she just committed a single mistake that,yeah,let say might impacted us a lot?is it still being fair?tell me.and why when fair people did something foul,it's as if they have been worthless ever since?worst,why a "friend" could forget everything after an incident that she disappointed her friend a lot?is a single mistake enough for us to judge her,and leave things behind?i don't know.maybe because i perceive the other way around.

if we have to learn,we have to learn it all.things can get worse.situation gets deteriorated.we wouldn't learn and make things right if we hesitate to admit that we were wrong. we won't get cured if in the first place,we were not sick.we can never be happy,if we were not sad and felt awful.life has its own way of teaching us a lesson and making us feel startled.people might have different way of perceiving those.

friendship will always be friendship.

"once all the passions are gone,with no word needed or any explanation,balik ung friendship nyo.coz that's how real friendship should be.ALWAYS." - ate joy

we might not be okay recently guys,we disappointed each other so much.but i won't let the friendship go.we'll be healed in time.after all,kaibigan ko pa rin kayo.

unbeknownst.

REST.Take it easy.

This is what i initially thought upon me waking up early this morning.A lot of things had been so tiresome recently,just like series of darts thrown fast that i cannot feel the sting any longer. A relapse.

As seen,last week was worse just as i expected it to be.SPLIT OFF,HEALTH CONDITION,DISAPPOINTMENTS,everything.How's that?Yeah,right,when life is normal,it's so normal.But once it twists,beware.

APATHY is completely taking over me and i can't manage to overcome such because of so many factors which will be better left unsaid.Plus,those are too unimportant to be enumerated.Countless times i longed,hoped and decided to leave my workplace,find different work and build another life.I am no longer able to differentiate Monday from Friday since I am still doing doing the same boring stuff:TAKING CALLS,MEETING CLIENT'S EXPECTATIONS,HAVING NON SENSE CONVERSATIONS.Sacrifice is really a part of life,huh.Anyhow,that's the industry i am currently indulge now,and though i hate to admit,I NEED IT as of the moment.It'll soon end,i know.

The people you work with is a huge factor,i must say.I even admitted before that i have learned to love that way of life because of the people i used to be with.However,life,isn't that smooth.It has it's own twists and turns,all of us know that.SHIT ARRIVES UNANNOUNCED.

They say that the only time that life is a waste is when we start thinking that we are alone.Inexplicably,I just started to think that way,and so it occurred to me to think that i might be living a wasteful life.Hey,i am not emotionally motivated,it's just that a lot of times i end up with these thoughts,non sense thoughts.And whenever these things happen,there's always someone who taps me at my back and say, "What the hell is that?", reminds me that i should not think that way,and so the bad thought disappears.

And to finally end this bitterness *as others used to say* let me quote this one from a friend's blog:http://alexces.multiply.com/journal/item/178

"It's really nice to know that at the end of the day (or the week), you can still find the comfort of your best buds to whom you can be your utmost self and who are willing to hear it all and shies away all the introversion in you."

That would be enough to express the bottom line.

sentiments.

spending time with someone you haven't been for long time is really priceless.

allow me to share how it felt to be with one of the most valuable persons since my college life:cookies.

after my shift last Sunday morning,cookies and i decided to meet at Ortigas.it was never planned.just so happened that surprisingly,our schedule met.i was supposed to be with another friend of mine who happened to be asleep i guess the whole day yesterday.haha!you owe me something now,theresa.

well,we strolled along sm ortigas and i blissfully conversed with her,once again.shared latest events,gone over what we had experienced.laughed.it took us four whole hours to fully get updated with each other.

you might say that it's just one of the usual stuff we oftenly do.but i'll tell you,being with persons who matters most to your life just like her is worthless.it's always good to have a friend.

on the flipside,i had an awful week,i must admit.

PMS,high-volume of calls,failed audit,bad call monitored.stressing calls,NEW SCHEDULE with SPLIT OFF or what have you.those are just some of the nasty events this week that had passed over me.what would have happened?chances are,i might be very exhausted.which,i guess, i'm really one.what do you expect?

sentiment #1 - APATHY.i am starting to dislike my work,worse than before.everyday i feel like i am always having a stupid conversation every call.bored.and aside from the peole i work with and the help it gives financially i found no other reasons to stay,but apparently, i need to.and that makes it a serious battle.

sentiment #2 - PRESSURE.i've always wanted to be a part of the field that i have studied for the last four years just like some of my blockmates.three months had passed and still,until this time i am working as a contact center agent.i never envisioned myself to be with that company for more than two years,but i only have few months left and two years will be over.

sentiment #3 - STABILITY.things change and people do.some of my blockmates no longer keep in touch unlike they were before.i myself is guilty for this.schedules frequently meet,most probably.i missed their company,and i miss the girl i used to be whenever i am with them.

sentiment #4 - HEALTH ISSUE.i can no longer take the pain and i feel scared with the possible consequences.come wednesday i will finally have my check up.MALIGNANT or BENIGN?clueless.


amidst these sentiments,i feels good to be with someone who you can be perfectly comfortable with.no matter how distressing the day was,it's nice to know that you have someone who'll compensate for all those unlikely events.

thanks COOKIES!

altruism.

yeah right,where are those words when you mostly need them?

nineteen days,NINETEEN DAYS had passed.there's so much things that happened and i just can't figure out if i am just being lazy to enumerate those and put in words or i just don't feel like posting unlikely events here?also possible that i can't grab a time to blog since i am pretty busy with other stuff.oh,forget about it.

it's not good to admit but i am thinking now that i am living a nonsense life.i feel i am one of the automatons scattered in this planet.my life seems to be programmed.and i hate to admit,it feels good at SOME POINT to be one,that you are one of those made out of granite.

how's life bumping me so far?

it's really true that at times we must let things go.it surely hurts,but being hurt doesn't mean you have done the wrong thing and complicated things either.it doesn't always follow.it's an altruistic act. it's just we think it will be the best option to choose to for all the persons involved.truly,we convince ourselves it would be for the better.BUT IT'S DAMN HARD.and with this i came to realize that it's not so true that when you love someone you will do anything to keep them with you.there's an exemption.and in my case,letting go is the best option.

"Love has all the lasting permanence of rainbow,beautiful while it's there and just likely to have disappeared by the time you blink".

right,life isn't really as stable as we want it to be.CHANGE is inevitable.be it gradual or drastic.be it positive or negative.cliche as it may sound but nothing in this world is permanent,to put it simply.NO GUARANTEES OF EVERYTHING.

i am moving on.i feel fine most of the time because most probably not conversing with him is a great help.i can't remember who stopped but i know it's the one of the easiest ways out.but when my his eyes meet mine,just realized that something is always going on within me and it never seems to end.indescribable feeling,i tell you. until this time,there is always something about him that appeals to me,and that makes it harder.truly,it is not difficult to avoid someone if you want to,i repeat IF YOU WANT TO.

you know what?most of the time i have to paste smile on my face,just to let him see that i am okay and happy.and the worst thing?to pretend that he doesn't exist when in fact he is always in my thought.that's a lot more depressing.and to be honest,there were entire days when i did nothing but cry inside.it just plain hurts too much.ultimately painful.

i think i just lost him before he is gone.yet i know that is the best thing to be done.