as 2009 fades away.

few more hours left and year 2009 is just about to end.yeah,true.even the most beautiful days eventually have their own sunsets.i must say that this has been a year worthy enough to be remembered and how sorry am i that i can't go on details since it's just going to be a replication of the previous entries if ever.i don't want to make this long either and how funny it seems that i just wanted to have something to look back as i recall how the last few hours of 2009 ended.too bad i am not in the mood to write.i'm currently preoccupied since i'm on day two.. :(

i can't compose anything.shall i consider this a writer's block or i maybe i just don't feel like putting whatever i am feeling into writing?maybe not this time.

i'm looking forward to a better me this 2o10..happy new year everyone!

break!

it's how i messed up my life and got to know the people who were there to save me and who were not.. :)

quality time.

Just a direct and much plain entry.


Quality time - this is what i think i have been missing lately.i had been thinking a lot that i almost end up torturing myself which isn't really healthy at all.Manifestations of a stressed individual can be easily seen in me,but after the last two offs i had,there was a difference so let me give a bunch of thanks to my friend theresa with her partner ivan for giving me the comfort,company and quality time that i was once longing.allow me to congratulate you guys,since it was really a success!

Day 1 - a movie date with theresa

Tuesday after shift,i headed to robinson's galleria to attend the screening of one of the independent films produced and created by Eight Production,titled TRIBU. There were around ten to fifteen heads who cared to watch the film which did not really startle me at all given the fact that it is an independent film most of us don't bother to watch. Realistically, most of us opt to grab time watching foreign produced films such as TWILIGHT or other mushy movies rather than local produced ones. I really can't figure out if it has something to do with the publicity or it's just that a lot of us isn't really interested at all. I then arrived to a conclusion that one will not really appreciate such if in the beginning he or she isn't inclined with film making, moreover he or she doesn't have the card to evaluate and criticize those in the first place. Anyway,I had the chance to share some thoughts with the producer when we stayed at OLD MANILA but amidst the intellectual conversation she caught me thinking of something else. Believe me,that was unconscious. My mind was drifting away from the conversation were having,just an indication that i wasn't really doing good that time.
After that,theresa and i headed to department store to buy some stuff. That was the time that i had the chance to confide with her which was a big relief for me. Adding to that, it has been a hobby for me to go on shopping in instances like this. That is how i usually pacify myself,anyway. Confiding with an onjective person like her was really a huge help and conversing with Him is really relieving. I had no sleep that day literally but got remorse at all,it was indeed the other way around.

Day 2 - coffee date with Ivan at NERO



It wasn't really planned. I was about to go out all by myself when theresa didn't allow me and pushed me to go with Ivan instead. My original plan was watch a movie in the morning, come up with a blog after, have some manicure and pedicure then go on gift hunting, attend a mass and stay in a coffee shop all by myself until the day is over. What exactly happened wasn't much different from what i had planned.
I woke up around 9am,had breakfast then gone online. Gladly, i was able to come up with blog that was just published prior to this. Yeah,the one titled "feeling of nuisance in the game called love." After that,i had a chance to watch a movie at home with my mom which was really entertaining. Had some rest when the film ended then headed to a nearby salon to had my nails cleaned. Ivan and I planned to meet at three at SM ORTIGAS but since the manicure didn't take that long, i arrived thirty minutes earlier and he arrived an hour after. Haha! No regrets, i was still able to go out and had time just for myself. We had lunch which wouldn't lack sundae and fries, went on gift hunting after then attended a mass. He is jewish but amazingly i was able to encourage him attending ours for once. That was an accomplishment for me.. :)
What we did after that was the most relaxing part. We stayed in a coffee shop, chatted over coffee of course in a very cozy place. We stayed there for almost two hours getting to know each other well. Mission of me was also accomplished, what a day!

Yesterday was one of the long,tiring yet relaxing days i ever had. It will really be hard for me to express gratitude in words i hope they can feel how thankful i was. I am looking forward to another day such as this.. :)

feeling of nuisance in a game called love.

it never seems to end.

i was asleep.
somebody knocked.
i opened the door.
a familiar face peeked in.
BOOM!i found myself in the same situation.it arrived again unannounced.

...problem manufacturer - that's how my friend termed me when i was confiding with her yesterday.i can't even blame her.i have been thinking a lot lately that i even found myself trapped within my own mind and emotion with how i perceive things.this is exactly the point where i am right now,right this time.I actually never thought that i would be writing this entry soon but ideas came pouring like it has a life of its own.

i am annoyed.

love is a "special" feeling but i must admit,i am getting annoyed with it as of yet or should i say most of the time.if i can only term it negatively,let me say that love is BULLSHIT.However, ironically speaking i also like it as much as i hate it.funny.blah!blah!blah!

"they used to say that i had that poor-choice-of-partner capability.i really don't think so.it just all happened.and right now,i must admit,i feel myself helplessly falling,holding on to the feeling of love towards this person.it feels that it is so right when it's completely wrong.a lot of times,i have some intracommunication,reminding myself to control my emotion,think clear and be responsible.but at the back of my mind,i admit that i really had a great time with him and even if i turned the clock back,i would make the same choice.no remorse.no regrets".

i am feeling that,i admit but i know logically speaking that is BULLSHIT.CRAP.

love is the reason why people started to confuse logic from emotion and emotion from logic.

"you are just complicating things," she said.

i know,and if only it was never hard to choose,it wouldn't get this far.like i was stuck on a situation where in i was asking myself should i turn away and run to a safe place or jump off the cliff and see what happens?poor me.it is so hard enough to deal with your very own self.pathetic.

Moving forward,whichever it is,not only him,every people we meet always has a great impact in our existence.we just have to keep in mind that there are some things that are not really meant to be.there is always this person who,unfortunately gets away.worst is,he or she should have been the one but just arrived at a later time.And,realistically speaking,learning to live without the people that we used to be with will be a tremendous adjustment we have to cope with.as they said,they had been a part of your journey,of your existence and at the latter part of this game,we will discover why it had happened.Inevitably we will soon live in a tangled life and rarely,it seems to be pointless to try untangling it.

i am in pain,and i know it's going to be a million times worse when that "time" comes.yeah,the most difficult time is about to come.

insanity?

life is always full of wicked,unexpected turns in the road.it is messy and full of complications at times.there are points that we find ourselves railing against what is right,what is moral or what is must.it pains us so much most specially when the one we are arguing with is our very own self.you keep on thinking that what has to be done,has to be done but end up what?making fool out of yourself. damn.

i ran out of words due to the fact that yeah,i have so much thoughts to say.i have so many things to unload.i have so much.

a lot of things had happened lately that i even found it awfully hard where to start and how shall i end it.well,i must say that i am living a complicated life "again."

Sometimes I wanna ask myself, "how can i be that STUPID?how can I be that insane,huh?" but as i go over the reasons on why i end up doing those,actions are somehow JUSTIFIED.I have been getting a lot recently.I admit,history is repeating itself.And how pathetic it is in the eyes of other people that i never ever learned.I know that I don't have to explain nor defend myself to them,maybe because I have been tired enough to do such.Anyhow,i certainly believe that you cannot really say you completely know a person,it's just that there are things that you learned or known about them.Or probably,i had stopped caring about what other people might say so long as I know the consequences and that I can stand on my own at the end.I greatly appreciate everything but allow me to decide for myself.I know you might termed this as insanity,anyway that's going to be your call.

I was in deep thought last time when a new acquaintance of mine sent me this SMS:

"It is a always risk to like someone and it involves time, patience and understanding to get someone's heart to open up. At times, it will work other times it won't. But that's why you call it a RISK - you invest in something and there's a possibility that you WON'T win.However you still get something in return:strength of heart and mind,and the assurance that you won't have any REGRETS from not trying."

That quote had a point.Just let those words do the explanation for you.

Did you get attracted to someone you never thought you will?Well,More often than not,we never fall for someone we are SUPPOSED to fall with.

I must say that he is one of the those who exhilarates me as of yet.as they say,extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never try to look in.i am guilty of that.surprisingly, i blissfully enjoy moments spent with him but definitely I am aware that everything in this world is impermanent and that I know for a fact that worse comes to worst,the feeling will soon last.nothing lasts forever.it has to end.and how I wish when that time comes,I will still be able to recuperate not relapse.

ugly truth.

yesterday was indeed a tiring day.but extraordinary,i must say.

i finally had a meaningful off again.

muli kong binalikan ang buhay bilang masscom student.my friend kase has an advocacy in regard to disabled citizens (which they highly recommend to be termed as PWD - people with disability instead) towards the upcoming 2010 Election.i am not really particular sa concept talaga but so far,it's all about giving rights to the said PWD as a Filipino citizen.

nakakapagod.wala kameng dalang permit,kaya may mga pagkakataon na patago at panakaw ang mga shots.ewan ko ba,alam namen na isa sa mga basics 'yun na dapat isecure sa preprod pero wala kameng dala.tama na ang digicam at tripod.reshoot na kase,deadline na ng 5-min indie film nya sa Lunes,so we really don't have much time now.lakad,takbo.at dahil PWD ang target,kinailangan namen na maghanap ng mga subject.venue?cubao footbridge at cubao mrt station.tumambay kame sa isang kanto sa Edsa.Maraming tao,magulo.Hinanap namen yung date nyang nakita during her occular inspection pero hindi namen sya naabutan.but patience is a virtue,we were talking about the pantene commercial when a PWD crossed the street.in all fairness,ang bilis nya,so habol talaga kame.result?mejo blurred ang mga shots.the last one that we had yesterday will be a blind woman named Maridick.She was alone when we saw her,asking a vendor kung saan yung papunta sa mataas na building na katapat ng seven eleven as she plainfully decribed it.we noticed she needed help plus the fact that,yes,she's a potential subject as well.we assisted her 'til we reached Blind Resources Center.Doon tumambad sa amin ang ilang Pilipinong kagaya nya na patuloy na nabubuhay sa kabila ng kapinsanan na mayroon sila.agaw-pansin sa akin ang babaeng nasa front desk.she was wearing her headset,blissfully conversing with someone when i noticed the display on top of her desk,it has her name,and it's indicated there that she is also blind but we can seek help from her though.right,nabubuhay at nagtatrabaho pa rin ng parang normal.inusisa ko si Ate Maridick,dun ko nalaman na may asawa at mga anak sya and that she's from Cavite.i just can't imagine how she managed heading from Cavite to Cubao all by her self considering that she is blind.samantalang ako,normal na tao,hindi makaalis mag-isa.pathetic na ata ang case ko.pathetic na nga ata ang case ng ilang Pilipino.May ilan akong natutunan,maliban sa narefresh ang utak ko with regards sa film making.Nakakapagod,eto yung pagod na matagal ko na ring hindi naranasan.Fulfilling.

We headed to Greenhills,St. Francis Square and Mega Mall after to check some stuff.Marami kameng nakasalamuhang tao.Mga kapwa Pilipino.With that,I was able to open my eyes again sa hirap na dinaranas ng Pinas.Nakakaguilty,nakakapanglumong mga senaryo,nakakagising.Isa sa mga pangit na katotohanan.Minsan gusto ko nang intindihin kung bakit mageexist and mga "tibak."Mahirap ang paraan nila ng pakikipaglaban,pero i must say,saludo ako sa tapang at paninindigan nila.Tibak,iba ka!

Magdadalawang linggo na ang nakakaraan matapos dumaan ang Bagyong Ondoy na naging hamon sa maraming Pilipino.Maraming lugar pa rin ang lubog sa baha,marami pa ring mamamayan ang itinuring na tahanan ang kapirasong bubong na tinutuluyan.State of the National Calamity.Nakakapanglumo.Nakakawalang pag-asa sa ilan.Pero hindi tayo dapat huminto dito,kagaya ni Ate Maridick sa patuloy nyang pakikipaglaban.BABANGON TAYO.Sabi nga,may imposible sa mga Pilipino?

an ordeal.

roads were gone..


..streets were filled with massive flood..


.. a month's rainfall that fell in just nine hours..


..for most of us,it was indeed a plight.

Inexplicably,these scenes were taken in real life.Much like from a movie that everyone hoped and wished someone from above will shout CUT,and it's all over,but sadly there was none,no one.

much has been posted,disseminated and communicated about this particular ordeal that hit our country.the aftermath are all heart-wrenching.it left a permanent mark in the heart and mind of every Filipino.

i had a shift the night Ondoy,(Ketsana,as the international name) initially hit Central part of Luzon.that was Friday shift but since my time was 3am it was then technically Saturday morning.I woke up around 1am and noticed that yes,heavy rain was pouring.I thought it was just like any other typhoons we had but when i started walking down our street and waited for a cab, i started to feel something unusual.Our workplace happens to be located at the top floor of Market!Market! and it was usual to hear it when it's raining.I admit,suceeding hours passed by ordinarily inside our office until it was around 11am.I started receiving texts from my family how flooded our area was,same thing with other officemates how had left earlier than my time.I texted my stepdad and asked if he can possibly fetch me for a more convenient travel time however he responded that he wasn't able to drive in the first place due to such deluge in most areas in Pasig.I wasn't thinking of a much worse scenario until my officemates and I decided to try going home,and there it was.stranded people,and we were one of them.with that scenario,i wasn't really sure if i'll be able to get home that day.it was really a good thing that one of the team captains offered help.he drove us until we reached Pasig Church.roads were indeed covered by flood,people were scattered everywhere and traffic didn't lose its place.i was out of work at 12noon that day and yes,fortunately,given that scenario i was still able to get home just four hours after.we had no service,no internet connection and no access to network.that was NOTHING,indeed nothing compared to the traumatic experiences that most Filipinos in Marikina and Cainta had.I, my family were still lucky but still,i fret.The aftermath is really hideous.no one was exempted.

That was not enough for me to know how hard most of the Filipinos had suffered.I just heard stories being told but i still wanted to see it with my own two eyes.And that was granted when I watched The Correspondents that Tuesday night.Every video clip was really sickening most especially when i saw the video of the bedraggled kids.I honestly felt like crying.Admittedly,i started to fear that doomsday do exist.But i still hope it doesn't.

As of September 30th,number of death rised to 246 as Pepeng,(Parma,as the international name)nears our area of responsibility.We haven't been through yet but two other typhoons are making its way to us.Worst,the said figures are still expected to go up most especially when the SEARCH and RESCUE operation ended up to be SEARCH and RETRIEVAL only.Rescue operation were deployed but for some it was already late.It was such a pathetic scene and very much ungodly but surprisingly,the idea of quitting didn't occur to these people.

"Get in line!" - barked at the hungry hordes.

With the relief operation being conducted by the two largest network in our country we are starting to recuperate.It was great that a lot of us practiced volunteerism this time.Tiring though but the beatific smile on the victims face is enough to feel that it's indeed fulfilling and brought real happiness we ever known.

That must be a wake up call from our mother nature that we need to keep in mind.It was such a nightmare.traumatic that we almost felt like we were hapless.But amid the chaos of the flood disaster,we,very Filipino will rise and start all over again.

recuperating.

it's not over until it's over.i have been recuperating in a lot after all the unlikely events that happened lately.

for one,it's been eleven days now after the excision.i thought that was the most difficult part but i was sadly mistaken.it's not getting worst as my surgeon advised me the last check up but a complication blocked my way.the mass that was removed is a big one and that's the reason why i am having complications now.in line with that i have to take again the same medication and probably next week or the week after,considering that the wound will be completely healed,i have to spend a day again in the operation room.visiting that hospital has been habitual now for me and the surgeon who seemed to be a stranger turned out to be someone i never expected him to be.truly,strangers are family you have to get to know.anyway,going back to that medical condition,worse comes to worst i am pretty sure i'll get through.

adding up to this will the fact that somehow,things are getting far better now between me and some people.quite uncertain but as far as myself is concerned,i know i am on the process of getting over it.i sure will,and so they are.come on,that's part of life and it's quite inevitable.we'll all meet at the end.

following that will be one sickness that i want to be cured or wait until my death becomes imminent because of that.perhaps yes,perhaps no.
-admittedly,this sickness is something that i have learned to live with and completely removing that from my system is one option i am thinking over the last few days.i am still waiting though,however i am afraid that it's all i ever do.honestly,it's hard to be the one who is always waiting.i am frustrated that i am hanging on for nothing but false hopes.i am backing away every time someone gets closer to me because of him.some of the people i know advised me that i don't have to do it but that doesn't stop me either.in spite of the pains,i opted to stay that way.maybe in a little while or much longer.you know what keeps me holding on?I AM HAPPY WITH IT.i revel with it.and when i realize that,negative thoughts and feelings automatically fade away.my thoughts start drifting to happier times and happier places.that sounds stupid for some of you,but sounds reasonable and fair enough for those who understand and those who know what love is all about,SELFLESS.it's been three years and still uncertain how long will it take.maybe until my last breath drops.i remember what Ricky Lee said in one of his works,there are times that we get married not with the one we TRULY love but the one that we SHOULD love.that's what he calls great love and correct love respectively.if fortunately that doesn't apply to you,well,lucky you,i guess.i still believe that good things happen to good people,anyway.

three sickness and one process needed:recuperate.

i am recuperating.glad that i am.

nothing lasts forever.

time flies when you are having a good time.yeah,hear,hear for that.my one week leave of absence is finally over.I'm getting back to work tonight after a week of not being around.whew.I'm back to my routine.

so let me assess that leave.

first five days were spent at the hospital.had the final check up before the operation,some lab tests were performed and the schedule was confirmed.for those who are aware of my day,you perfectly read it right,i have spent that at the hospital as well.gladly,not the whole day,just half of it.anyway,main reason why i filed that leave will be because of the operation,so be it.


certified hard headed.i was strictly advised to get rest the night before but i am completely bored.after dropping by at the hospital,mom and i headed to mega.haha!i wouldn't let that five day LOA (leave of absence) passed without me enjoying it.we strolled along and had a dinner right after.then the night is finally over.



in between the busy schedule I've got to read a book i have borrowed from my officemate.Sidney Shelton's.the books were great and i blissfully spent completely two days reading that.the moment i was done,i asked my brother to buy me Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom,same person who authored Five People You Meet in Heaven.Worth-reading-books,i must say.It took me nearly one day to finish reading that.Awesome,it almost made me cry.I've learned a lot from that book.It was really and extraordinary contribution to the literature of death.

Some of the aphorisms that Morrie stated there are:

1.) Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.
-I just applied to a position I have been thinking months before.I was hoping and at some point expecting that I'll make it but also,I had a deal made with Him.I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to make it,but recalling the deal,i am just thinking that it was not really for me.I'll have my time,sure thing.Why fret?

2.) Why are we embarrassed by silence?What comfort do we get in all that noise?
- This left me thinking.Funny, but silence makes us usually feel awkward,right?Amazingly,the only time that it doesn't feel such will be the time that you are with someone whom you feel perfect comfort with.No words needed,the presence of that person is more than enough.You'll get to know when you are in that situation.

3.) Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent.
- Everyone gets scared of changes.But life is not as stable as we expected it to be.Loved ones come and go.It's not quite as long as we have expected or hoped for.Life constantly undergoes changes.It's inevitable.

4.) Detach from emotion.
- A lot of us are emotional.I am.It isn't bad.All we have to do is know what's happening,accept it and let go.We might not let go that soon but it will be helpful not to hang on too long.That's futile and not healthy,we all know that.

5.) Love each other or perish.
- Did we all get the meaning of that?Love is the most wonderful thing that was given to us.Love is everything.It is the only rational thing on earth.We do everything with love as the main reason.Once love is gone,everything follows.

*I have spent my leave as meaningful as i could do it and it turned out as i expected it to be.A lot of unwanted events had happened in between those days but i made sure that I have done things that had compensated those more than what i have anticipated.it just ended just like any other beginnings in our life.truly,nothing gets to last forever,nothing.

coping.

right.the most difficult part is over.

just as strictly advised,mom and i arrived at the hospital earlier than the scheduled time.no intake for the last 11 hours.i was assisted by a volunteer from CEU named "Stella."i was asked to get undressed and put the hospital gown.it was awkward because as i was changing clothes she was there.i didn't hesitate to ask her turn her back from me and she willingly did.at the later time we headed to the operating room and my heart was really pounding.the exchange of jokes made that time a little comfortable,i must say.i followed as she and the senior staffs commanded.i was an out-patient and i was ONLY oriented that i will be under sedatives and they just had to put on oxygen during the procedure.before i knew it, Stella was already injecting something on my left hand,a dextrose.that was painful.

it was around 9:20 when my surgeon and the anesthesiologist entered the room.i was pounding more but i tried to relax.i watched as Dra. Vinola, the anesthesiologist injected the sedative thru the dextrose.it took not more than a minute for me to fell asleep.cool.not long after i was awakened by Stella asking how i was feeling.i was in the recovery room.i felt pain on my left hand,the dextrose was still painful.i immediately look at my body.shoot!thank God the operation was over.

according to the staffs,the operation lasted from 9:30 to 10:20.they handed me the picture of the tumor taken by my mom as Dr. Marcial,the Cancer Surgeon showed it to her right after the operation.That was a wide excision biopsy performed and i completely didn't know what happened during the entire procedure.it felt good to be under sedatives,i tell you.

i'll have the follow up check up come next friday.the stiches will be removed and we'll get to know if the tumor is cancerous or not.


i am coping.it's been two days now after the operation.i am irritated with the bandage and sacrificing a little pain from it.anyhow,i'll get back to work this Monday.i have to get back.

one by one i'll get over this,thank God.

terrifying.

"I'll see you at 7:30,friday morning.you can have your dinner around six the evening prior to that then no intake eight hours before the operation,clear?"

endless nightmare is just about to end.this has to be done,i must face it.i am pretty aware that it won't get over until it's over.

I must be at the hospital tomorrow earlier than the scheduled time.offhand, aside from the fact that i should no take anything eight hours before.I will be under sedatives but i fear awakening amidst the procedure.ignorance is rolling over me.you can't blame me,i have never been admitted for the last 22 years.i am clueless.surgeon just added that it will take completely one hour to have the tumor completely taken out.a week after we will know if it's positive or hopefully,negative margin.

i'll get back to you.it will be painful,i know.

forgo.

we need to make sense of yesterdays.

few hours left and i am officially 22 years old.

another year is almost over.another year is about to end.another year of pretension and being valiant is about to start all over again.another chapter of life.Truly,ALL ENDINGS ARE ALSO BEGINNINGS.and i thank life for that.

OPEN BOOK.This is the kind of life i used to live before.I treated everybody as someone dependable enough.Someone that i can trust.That i can be perfectly comfortable with.I was wrong,completely.And it's nice to know that i learned to determine flowers from the weeds.I learned to set boundaries.I learned to understand people and how to deal with them.

Disappointments come in one's life,it never failed to come .It's basically how you perceive such and value what you had.It's up to the person to fight or leave things behind.I strongly detest getting tired with a friend.It is actually the last thing that I will ever feel for someone i value as such.But i couldn't bear the thought anymore.It caused so much pain.And the only option that i will do is to rest and stop.Taking a rest is way different from giving up,anyway.I need it,and I will do it.FORGO of everything.Come on,holding anger is a poison.


It's really true that the capacity of human for burden is much like of a bamboo.It's far more flexible that we'd see it in the first glance.And as i used to say,we are not aware that we are strong 'til we realized that it will be the only option that we have.I,myself have proven that.No need for a superman to show up and save you.We aren't sure if we are someone worth saving in the eyes of other people.So don't wait for a superman or a savior to appear in your life,you can do it by yourself.And sometimes you need to do it all by yourself.

The last few days or should I say last few weeks of my 21st year seemed to be very stressful and much tiresome.I must say that i have realized I am now living in a much different world compared to the one that i used to live before.Different faces,different personalities,different relationships.EVERYTHING seems to be an unfamiliar face.Admittedly,dealing with it makes life to be a serious battle.And at the end of the day,it feels great that against all odds, we survive.I did.

Moving forward,I'll be undergoing an excision biopsy if not today,the following day.I browsed the net cause i have no idea yet on how will that minor operation will be done.Since according to my surgeon he will make use of a generic anesthesia instead of the local one,i pretty get excited on how it will feel to be under sedatives.At some point,I will feel numb,lost and adrift.Nice,isn't?

Down to fifteen hours before my day.Still clueless of everything.Things happen.Unwanted and uninvited events happen,they are part of our journey.Anyhow in the latter part of the day,we'll discover why those had occurred.There is always a reason,just let that reason exist.

deteriorating.

should i known the consequences,i should have managed to turn around.
something is always going on and it never seems to end.
shit happens,and it feels like hell.

i have been in a lot lately.i am so wounded that i even don't know how to put all those in words.mouthful.

disappointments.everybody hates this.most of us avoids such.but are we aware that in simple acts of us,others get disappointed?that sometimes,no matter how careful we are,little acts of us might have negative impact to others.result?HELL.

i value friendship a lot.but i commit mistakes as well.and i am not the ideal type of friend.i also have my flaws.one big question that bothers me a lot,why people used to judge people negatively in a single mistake they had committed?why do we use to come up with this negative thoughts whenever we get disappointed with someone?why most of us relatively say that, that's all she got,she's like that,she's only like this when she just committed a single mistake that,yeah,let say might impacted us a lot?is it still being fair?tell me.and why when fair people did something foul,it's as if they have been worthless ever since?worst,why a "friend" could forget everything after an incident that she disappointed her friend a lot?is a single mistake enough for us to judge her,and leave things behind?i don't know.maybe because i perceive the other way around.

if we have to learn,we have to learn it all.things can get worse.situation gets deteriorated.we wouldn't learn and make things right if we hesitate to admit that we were wrong. we won't get cured if in the first place,we were not sick.we can never be happy,if we were not sad and felt awful.life has its own way of teaching us a lesson and making us feel startled.people might have different way of perceiving those.

friendship will always be friendship.

"once all the passions are gone,with no word needed or any explanation,balik ung friendship nyo.coz that's how real friendship should be.ALWAYS." - ate joy

we might not be okay recently guys,we disappointed each other so much.but i won't let the friendship go.we'll be healed in time.after all,kaibigan ko pa rin kayo.

unbeknownst.

REST.Take it easy.

This is what i initially thought upon me waking up early this morning.A lot of things had been so tiresome recently,just like series of darts thrown fast that i cannot feel the sting any longer. A relapse.

As seen,last week was worse just as i expected it to be.SPLIT OFF,HEALTH CONDITION,DISAPPOINTMENTS,everything.How's that?Yeah,right,when life is normal,it's so normal.But once it twists,beware.

APATHY is completely taking over me and i can't manage to overcome such because of so many factors which will be better left unsaid.Plus,those are too unimportant to be enumerated.Countless times i longed,hoped and decided to leave my workplace,find different work and build another life.I am no longer able to differentiate Monday from Friday since I am still doing doing the same boring stuff:TAKING CALLS,MEETING CLIENT'S EXPECTATIONS,HAVING NON SENSE CONVERSATIONS.Sacrifice is really a part of life,huh.Anyhow,that's the industry i am currently indulge now,and though i hate to admit,I NEED IT as of the moment.It'll soon end,i know.

The people you work with is a huge factor,i must say.I even admitted before that i have learned to love that way of life because of the people i used to be with.However,life,isn't that smooth.It has it's own twists and turns,all of us know that.SHIT ARRIVES UNANNOUNCED.

They say that the only time that life is a waste is when we start thinking that we are alone.Inexplicably,I just started to think that way,and so it occurred to me to think that i might be living a wasteful life.Hey,i am not emotionally motivated,it's just that a lot of times i end up with these thoughts,non sense thoughts.And whenever these things happen,there's always someone who taps me at my back and say, "What the hell is that?", reminds me that i should not think that way,and so the bad thought disappears.

And to finally end this bitterness *as others used to say* let me quote this one from a friend's blog:http://alexces.multiply.com/journal/item/178

"It's really nice to know that at the end of the day (or the week), you can still find the comfort of your best buds to whom you can be your utmost self and who are willing to hear it all and shies away all the introversion in you."

That would be enough to express the bottom line.

sentiments.

spending time with someone you haven't been for long time is really priceless.

allow me to share how it felt to be with one of the most valuable persons since my college life:cookies.

after my shift last Sunday morning,cookies and i decided to meet at Ortigas.it was never planned.just so happened that surprisingly,our schedule met.i was supposed to be with another friend of mine who happened to be asleep i guess the whole day yesterday.haha!you owe me something now,theresa.

well,we strolled along sm ortigas and i blissfully conversed with her,once again.shared latest events,gone over what we had experienced.laughed.it took us four whole hours to fully get updated with each other.

you might say that it's just one of the usual stuff we oftenly do.but i'll tell you,being with persons who matters most to your life just like her is worthless.it's always good to have a friend.

on the flipside,i had an awful week,i must admit.

PMS,high-volume of calls,failed audit,bad call monitored.stressing calls,NEW SCHEDULE with SPLIT OFF or what have you.those are just some of the nasty events this week that had passed over me.what would have happened?chances are,i might be very exhausted.which,i guess, i'm really one.what do you expect?

sentiment #1 - APATHY.i am starting to dislike my work,worse than before.everyday i feel like i am always having a stupid conversation every call.bored.and aside from the peole i work with and the help it gives financially i found no other reasons to stay,but apparently, i need to.and that makes it a serious battle.

sentiment #2 - PRESSURE.i've always wanted to be a part of the field that i have studied for the last four years just like some of my blockmates.three months had passed and still,until this time i am working as a contact center agent.i never envisioned myself to be with that company for more than two years,but i only have few months left and two years will be over.

sentiment #3 - STABILITY.things change and people do.some of my blockmates no longer keep in touch unlike they were before.i myself is guilty for this.schedules frequently meet,most probably.i missed their company,and i miss the girl i used to be whenever i am with them.

sentiment #4 - HEALTH ISSUE.i can no longer take the pain and i feel scared with the possible consequences.come wednesday i will finally have my check up.MALIGNANT or BENIGN?clueless.


amidst these sentiments,i feels good to be with someone who you can be perfectly comfortable with.no matter how distressing the day was,it's nice to know that you have someone who'll compensate for all those unlikely events.

thanks COOKIES!

altruism.

yeah right,where are those words when you mostly need them?

nineteen days,NINETEEN DAYS had passed.there's so much things that happened and i just can't figure out if i am just being lazy to enumerate those and put in words or i just don't feel like posting unlikely events here?also possible that i can't grab a time to blog since i am pretty busy with other stuff.oh,forget about it.

it's not good to admit but i am thinking now that i am living a nonsense life.i feel i am one of the automatons scattered in this planet.my life seems to be programmed.and i hate to admit,it feels good at SOME POINT to be one,that you are one of those made out of granite.

how's life bumping me so far?

it's really true that at times we must let things go.it surely hurts,but being hurt doesn't mean you have done the wrong thing and complicated things either.it doesn't always follow.it's an altruistic act. it's just we think it will be the best option to choose to for all the persons involved.truly,we convince ourselves it would be for the better.BUT IT'S DAMN HARD.and with this i came to realize that it's not so true that when you love someone you will do anything to keep them with you.there's an exemption.and in my case,letting go is the best option.

"Love has all the lasting permanence of rainbow,beautiful while it's there and just likely to have disappeared by the time you blink".

right,life isn't really as stable as we want it to be.CHANGE is inevitable.be it gradual or drastic.be it positive or negative.cliche as it may sound but nothing in this world is permanent,to put it simply.NO GUARANTEES OF EVERYTHING.

i am moving on.i feel fine most of the time because most probably not conversing with him is a great help.i can't remember who stopped but i know it's the one of the easiest ways out.but when my his eyes meet mine,just realized that something is always going on within me and it never seems to end.indescribable feeling,i tell you. until this time,there is always something about him that appeals to me,and that makes it harder.truly,it is not difficult to avoid someone if you want to,i repeat IF YOU WANT TO.

you know what?most of the time i have to paste smile on my face,just to let him see that i am okay and happy.and the worst thing?to pretend that he doesn't exist when in fact he is always in my thought.that's a lot more depressing.and to be honest,there were entire days when i did nothing but cry inside.it just plain hurts too much.ultimately painful.

i think i just lost him before he is gone.yet i know that is the best thing to be done.

close to the end...

better a terrible pain now than a total disaster later on.

i am beaten.

i am aching.

i am tired.

i am forlorn.

i am annoyed.

everything is messed up now.and it's getting tougher.

i wanted to cry.i am craving for someone that i can talk to.someone who is more than willing to listen though might stab me in front afterward.someone who can understand me no matter how foul the situation is.someone who is not biased.someone who's objective enough.someone who's willing to embrace and comfort me though they know how valiant am i.if not so,i just wanted to shout.these things will going to be a relief somehow.but,unfortunately,i don't have any of those as an option.i can't cry cause i can't show to those persons i am being with most of the time how weak and stupid am i.i can't shout either.i am not with those people who completely understand me so why do that?i am not completely fool yet.it feels like shit when you want to breakdown and cry and found nothing but an empty sheet in front of you.you can throw all the words,jot down everything you want to unload and at the latter part,get no response.that's shit.

i'm down.and i am clueless what step shall i take.terrible.i am feeling so much ache in my heart seeing him.i wanted to tell him everything.that i'm quite remorseful for what happened.that i wanted to give up but deep inside still willing to hold on and fight.that i am damn aching,just because i love him.i do love him.but i can't.cause i am still trying to consider the possible things that might happen after between the two of us,between them.it hurts damn much.and i can no longer take the enormous pain.i honestly can't.

how i wish that in those men lined up ten deep at my door i can see his face.or even the face of this someone who can possibly revive me from nothingness.doubtful.though i completely know i only have myself to help me,still it feels good to know someone who will take care of you romantically.someone who's gonna be your man,and you as her woman,not the other woman.

i am annoyed to myself why I conceded this to happen.why did i settle for less?and now,i need to let go someone who's in the first place I should have not wasted my time with.now,now that i am loving him the most,it's damn to hard to let go and leave things behind.oh!phony guy.


just yesterday,after nine months of being "almost there" he finally said he loves me,just at the same time that i admitted him that i 'm almost giving up.loving him makes sense for some reason now,but i couldn't bear the thought that i am not the only woman in his life.he doesnt see the whole picture and prefers having a good time.he may not be the right guy in the long run,i guess.i just hope that he'll be gone,in that way i might feel differently one day.but life is not magic,life is reality and we have to deal with it.i am stucked.indecisive.i never allowed myself to love him but i just realized one day that i already do.how i wish i'll just wake up one day that things are in the right and proper order.that i am no longer under his spell.i don't want to give up but a lot of things hinder me to fight and hold on either.

i'm getting close to the end but at the back of my mind how i still wish i am not.but it needs to.it hurt too much and maybe it will always would if i'll allow that to happen and totally destroy me at the end.i couldn't take the agony anymore.i have been lonely for so long now.it's not healthy.i have to stop,however i am aware it would take too much effort from me.i am pretty aware of that.

truly,in a romantic relationship,it happens that sooner or later,feelings will die and the one is left alone and has to start again.this is how awful love is.

i am close to the end..

*sigh*

when is enough enough?

I AM NOT IMPECCABLY DESIGNED.AND WE ARE NOT IN A PERFECTLY MOLDED WORLD EITHER.

so,tell how was the last five days?yeah,yeah.kinda new.due to sickness i was not able to atleast check out my online buds namely:multiply,friendster,facebook,my yahoomail,imeem,youtube,and oh!how could i forget you,my blogsite and to complete the band,here goes articleincome and plurk!wheew!what else do you have?keep this counting!haha!what's new?what do you want to hear?duh!same old stories...poor site.

auto zero from my call audit and the "bullshit thing" started to ruin my last week as early as Wednesday night.pity me.

my call was about to end when Ms. *** from the quality assurance team tapped me at my back and advised me to go on aux right after for some coaching with regards to my audit.agigated me,i left our bay after the last caller hung up without having the account documented yet.i always knew it,there might be something wrong.something stupid that you have done during the call,that's pretty normal,it just so happened that among the hundred calls i hadled,a bad call was audited.i repeat,it was really a BAD CALL.why?then tell me what would sum up by adding these elements: upset customer_poor line connection_irritated care advocate_roundabout for seven minutes_noise pollution_and failed to follow escalation procedure?what's most likely to happen?the call is indeed a bad one.good thing?i knew my fault.the call was seven minutes.seven minutes of having roundabout.seven minutes of explaining the timeframe to a customer who found it very hard to comprehend.seven minutes of the customer insisting her side in the same manner that i have done.tell me then,when is enough enough for that call?still,it's indeed my bad.i'm aware.i know.

i was conversing with my immediate supervisor regarding that event when he suddenly threw distressing words.something which i found very much difficult to swallow.not that i'm too much sensitive,just try to be on the receiving end.i do my work on the the level that i know i should,not that much,not that less.i take jokes but realistically,i have my limits.that's given.i was waiting for him to recant.but he never did.so,when is enough enough again?...SIGH...at the end of the day,i was told that i just misheard that.i may be stupid but not all the time.BUT IF THAT HAPPENS TO BE THE CASE,BE IT.thanks for the respect.that's LIKEWISE.anyway,it's a petty thing.business as usual.

I REPEAT.i am not impeccably designed.and we are not living in a perfectly develop world either.shit happens.everyone knows it does.

I went home not feeling well.that night was so long plus the longer travel time i had due to Pasig feast that most of the main roads were closed and i have to take a different route,much time_more hassle way.an hour and a half after,i am finally home,feeling something unexplainable.i wont enumerate what i have felt.but believe me,the feeling was awful.i immediately informed my "sup" that i might be absent if the awful feeling will continue.how predictable.he put the blame to a tiff that we had that night.i honestly don't know if i'll get disappointed to myself or to him for having that idea in mind.disappointed on myself in a way that,have i committed a single thing that made him think i am not professional when it comes to work?am i still that childlike in deed?on the other hand,disappointed to him for being so narrow minded,i just found him that way,that time.i just hated it.people get tired and unfortunately get sick.INEVITABLE,right?so,when is enough enough for this?


our team reigned the floor for some months before.no one was able to beat us.we have done what we need to do.i personally did that out of respect and for the team's goal too.we had a good perfomance due to team effort.we accomplished what we have to accomplished.i know it was impressive.but things change.and the sad thing about that,when you committed a single mistake,all the good things that you have done and contributed will vanish all of a sudden.it will.it's like good, good, good then one bad your down.that's the sad thing.i guess this is when,ENOUGH will be ENOUGH.


i don't know.i am not used to closing windows.truly,what comes next is always unseen and unknown.i am just annoyed on how things are getting now.i'm pissed but still trying to overcome...

completely awry.

just had a disgusting weekend.i am not that feeling well to enumerate those,but i sure will in time.

plain love.

"When I see him, his smile, his frown, his eyes, just everything about him,I end up liking him just as much as I did before I stop. I guess once you love someone, and admit it, there’s no crossing back. It’s a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart. Because once you have loved that someone, it doesn’t go away. You’re forced to care. And though how much you wish to prevent it, deep inside you know, he’ll always be special…"

-always be special.

i have seen this so called achy-breaky-hearts-thoughts from a friend's page.thought was expressed so bluntly and pretty much plainly.but i must admit,i fell in love with this thought.it's buggin and oh,pity me!my mind is preoccupied.

i don't know if i shall put all the blame on my page for pampering me whenever I've got no one to share emotional thoughts with.it is completely tolerating me to prolong the agony,and just then i realized,at the end of the day,i have been lonely for too long.blame it on love,i guess!

day after day,thought of being a single woman doesn't leave my mind.believe me,whenever i see couples,i end up thinking who's gonna be the next lucky guy who'll share everyday life with me romantically?i was dying to escape the thought,but i hunters me for some reason.it does.how pathetic.

i never envisioned myself to be alone,however i am afraid that destiny did.how childish it may seem but i am still dreaming of an elegant,beautiful,unforgettable,not too showy and executed in the most exquisite way wedding in time.one day,i will still be marrying a man that i love just as much as he will love me.oh!i can't wait!

have you heard about committed love?it's when you're willing to commit your life to one person,you take a pledge to remain true throughout good and bad times.nah!too tautological.anyway,that's something most of us would know.'lemme ask,have you ever felt such stage of love?personally,i don't think so but i am afraid i did.i always believe that in one's lifetime,we are just destined to love and commit ourselves to one person.not two,not three.i repeat,to only one.that will take too much effort and ending up with that person doesn't always follow,realistically speaking.maybe in the long run,parting ways will be possible.it has been said that disappointments come our lives,it never failed to come - no matter how the two of you love each other so much.exemption is always present.one may go,one may leave,you might feel differently one day.that's pretty much predictable.oh well,that's one of the life's cruelties yet,somewhere in it there will be a gift one day.

i am incredibly attracted to one guy as of the moment.someone i scarcely knew.however,i couldnt think of him as a romantic possiblity.out of respect and sanity,i guess.bad habit.i am haunted by him most of the time.it's crazy.admittedly,often times,crazy is good.but i have my parameters set,never i thought of falling in love with that person.i am not in condition to do that.and i've learned.hearts can be very easily hurt.we have just started conversing couple of days and that wouldnt justify the attraction to lead to emotional investment.i blissfully conversed with him,nothing more,nothing less.he is not a boyfriend material,a lover,a suitor or candidate on any of those.i only know one thing,he's a bad habit,indeed.i honestly don't know why my fingers continuosly hit the keyboard and came up with this thought.hmm..

going back,in connection to the aforementioned "committed love",i am afraid i have it.believe me.i felt that.and when you do,as i did,regardless of the status quo you two both have,love will find it's way.and though it may not to be destined today,it can be in time.in another lifetime.at least,you know,you loved.that's all enough.no crossing back.and at the end of the day,you will know,it's a love at price.it's worthwhile.the best is yet to come.

LOVE -

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered;it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails".

I Corinthians 13:4-8

wakeful.

weekend,a sought after part of the week before.I'm the person who was always looking forward spending weekend in a normal way a normal people will do.a time to spend with family and friends.to relax,to rest.it's the most enjoyable part of the day for me.just like the enticing cake decoration a kid would usually fight for.but this time,it was the other way around.this is one of the worthy-to-be-remarkable weekend ever passed in my life mostly in the negative sense.one of the weekends i didn't wait for and look forward to.if only i could stop the clock,i should have done that.but i can't,and this needs to happen,though it's too hard for me to swallow.

i haven't slept yet since last Friday or should i say,recently.ironic,each shift was tiring and yet,i can't get enough sleep and rest.everything was sudden and how i wish i should have managed each thing to happen one at a time.however,it was uncontrollable.there's no turning back the clock.and that saddened me a lot.

'tol finally left last night in line with the work waiting for him in the Middle East after a month of preparing all the necessary stuffs.yeah,just a month was given,and it was just last june 23rd when he knew he will leave five days after.another enormous shock not only for me,but for my family as well,and that's pretty much predictable.we always knew it will be for him,for his betterment.but the thought of him leaving,us parting ways makes me sick.it does,it really does.and the scenario last night is one of those i wasnt able to manage to pretend.flood of emotions.i was always the kind of sibling who wouldnt let any in our family see the weak side of me.i always make it a point that i will not cry with them seeing me.i'm not that type.no matter how heavy the situation and the atmosphere is,i make sure they wouldn't see me crying.better not in fact.but yesternight was a different one,and i opted to outburst my emotion.just an indication.

he is the best brother i have.words wouldnt be enough to express how best he is for me at the same thing that this page wouldnt be wide enough for me to enumerate all the good things and eliviate everything.if the word bestest exists,then i would tag him as one.if at the age of twenty one i have gone through a lot,at the age of twenty eight he had gone more than what a have gone through.he deserves to be happy.he deserves a lot.and i know in time,he'll finally will..this is a part of his journey and in the latter part,certainly we will discover why it happened.

today is the first day that he was gone.thanks,thanks for the power of net connection and mobile phones that we can still keep in touch with him no matter what part of the world he is.in that way,somehow it lightens the situation between us.he may be gone in a while,in six months,a year or two,i honestly don't know how long but i promised him,when he gets back we are still complete in the literal sense and Ilocos will also be waiting for us,sure thing.

oh,this is a lazy weekend,i got no plans and i am still trying to recover...i wish i can get enough sleep as tonight turns into a day...weekend is again,ALMOST OVER...

confession.

"i must admit.i missed being with you guys.i am looking forward to spend time with you again.i have lots of things to share.i know you so the same.hope we can be together again..chat over coffee,stroll,do pizzas,music tripping,sharing ideas,sharing stories...i missed being with all the people whom i can comfy with..."

me,being a single woman.

though i love weekend still,it is something that i feared most.everyone else in the world have someone to be with and i don't have one.i'ts not a big deal for me but i can't escape the thought of it.and it occurred to me to ask how long shall i stay being a single woman?

i am not in a rush nor unhappy being one.i ain't feeling the vacuity.but a lot of times,i caught myself thinking on why it's been four years and still no one deserved had come yet.if there's any,none of them sounds appealing to me.it can be true that there's no more decent man left in the lot.and so i began wondering if they were all i could find and all the good ones belonged to someone else?my friend told me a while ago, "lahat ng matino taken na,pero hindi lahat ng taken matino".i myself had proven that with my own two eyes.those guys are completely fool.certainly.

it has been four years.and still counting...

i just want to wake up one day with someone that i'm gonna share my life with romantically.believe me,i missed the feeling.i surely do.

dating is shit,and it can be the last thing i wanted.i am not in the right mind set for it.i would'nt go out with someone that i am not completely at ease with,not the one that i don't completely know, and obviously,not with someone which is not my type.it's just awful to tell you that a lot of guys i met didnt seem to be one.so,better be alone then.anyway,i always believe that we should go to someone we love than someone who loves us.i personally believe that it's better to be hurt,than to be the one who'll cause hurt to someone.it's one thing that i cannot really take.never.

"you'll never know how love is going to walk into your life or if it will.and when it does,you don't know what face it's going to wear" - daniel steel

God will always have his plans,how i wish i am not destined to be alone 'til my last breath drops...

annoyed.

it has been said that there are times we have to look hard to decide which are the flowers and which are the weeds.and even then,a lot of times we are not sure.

what a dire day it was.disgusting as hell.believe me.it then occurred to me to think if there's something wrong with me.i'm a bitch,i know.it can happen that a lot of people wouldn't like me,but life is fair,a greater possibility will be me - not liking them.i just mirror the person and situation i am dealing with.it's not my problem if theydeserve such.desperate situation calls desperate resolution.

we just had an awful experience last Tuesday after shift.one or should i say two employees of the prestigious GOLD's Gym ruined our day.yeah,right.there's no normal left.if just in case there is,it's pretty much minimal and those two employees from GOLD's Gym are not one of them.i won't go on details.i hate the thought of those two people.they make me ill.i just hate them.and surething,i will file a complaint against those two.i certainly will.

i was not planning to do such,nor literally destroy them with their work,but those two guys pushed me to do so.well,they want it,i'll give it.i'll conquer all the possible ways,yoji.watch out.i'm pissed.and i hate myself whan i am.i told you.

what's on your mind?

nakakaloka ang facebook.i just had a bad night,i am stressed.*but not sad,i guess*... sadyang pinanindigan na ata ng trabaho na isa nga syang "herculean work"... wheew!going back,i just decided to open the laptop and simply check online accounts...just found myself conversing with my friends.. dozen of friends...they missed me,so do i...

everytime i log in to my facebook account,lageng agaw pansin ang tanong na "what's on your mind?".. cool,and not really good at times.. i personally do online to entertain myself after a 9-hour shift is over... but when that question popped up,come on..i end up lost,i guess...

so what's on my mind now?

i am physically tired,mentally stressed preoccupied and emotionally stressed.this is what i initially thought upon me reading that question today.
i am always telling that i am tired.and i guess,i am really one.
good thing that i am no longer under his spell.half of me wanted to see him,half didnt.and i am just enjoying my life,meeting new people,conversing and continuously learning lots of things...but at the end of the day,i realize,life is more than just fun.and as we get into bed,you'll still be occupied by those things you have tried to escape and get rid off during the entire day.pathetic.and that must have hurt.as they said,no matter how good the day was,it will always have its sunset...

i am not naive,as far as i know,but why does it seem that i am one?as if i am not learning?
i wanted to be completely sane.simply doing the right thing.
i wanted to avoid how he looks at me appreciatively.
how his smile looks like a toothpaste ad in television.maybe bacause of his perfect teeth i guess,haha...
just everything about him.

i am still on the process..just uncertain until when...
soon i guess...

i just wanted to cry.

best-KEPT-secret.indeed.

"if we contemplate on the past for too long,we pass up the chance to change and grow.whether we like it or not,it takes extra effort to accommodate changes in our lives.we have to make choices.we have to let things go.we have to let things change."

let go.let things change.it's never that easy.it never was and it will never be.

i literally want to cry.it makes me feel ill.i am doing this blog pensively,spontaneously.i just wanted to outburst everything.i wanted to cry because it would going to be a relief somehow.but i'm annoyed to do that.this is a petty thing i am not supposed to dwell that much.but i can't resist.i honestly can't.

i shouldn't concede that to happen.i was too brave that i wished and hoped i was not that brave enough.i was startled i have done two stupid things.it was completely awry.it doesn't bring good.it never did.well,things like this happen,and it hurts like hell when this shit happens to you.believe me.i am grieving as if i lost someone and it seems that it was never that easy.oh,it never was.my bad.i am pretty aware what to do.i am not supposed to make a fool out of myself competing with other girls.if it wasn't meant to be,it's not.i have to accept that.but i end up loving him.again and again and again.phony guy.

me and my friends together with one of the most valuable persons i met at work was having a tete-a-tete earlier this day.amidst that she mentioned,though not the exact words,she said,you can fight but you always have to know when to stop.and it doesn't mean you have given up.it's pure acceptance only valiant people can do.if there's one thing that i'll be grateful being a valiant lady,that's learning how to accept and knowing when to fight and when to stop.it's pointless to fight if it's not worth fighting for.we all know that.

*it's weird that we always know what to do but still we opted to be hurt and grieve over a matter.awful.*

being single have been too much fun.but it's always nice to think that you have someone to share your life with
other than family and friends.as i get to bed right after this,i know,i'll fall asleep crying.how i hope in that way,everything will end..

remarkable breed.

"respect is being earned,you are aware of it, right?" - theresa

this morning was indeed something unusual.i woke up around six in the morning and found myself engaged in conversation with some of the people i really used to confide with ever since.topic?gaining respect and being respected.the published response from a friend of mine retained in my mind.how i hope that response would make me to be completely sane.she benignly and bluntly sent that text to me when i mentioned about having respect.and she was right,it's something that we earn.that statement was stressed out when she added. "it's how you treat yourself and the people around you...how you stand by the values you believe in..."

i am living in a big bad world full of creeps, jerks and cheaters.and the probability of finding good one seemed about as great as finding needle in the proverbial haystack.i am craving for something good to happen instead of disaster and trauma.i am getting to be severely disappointed to myself and how i wish i can manage the soonest time possible to turn the ship around.on the contrary,i still find myself enjoying what am i doing.too bad.

amidst the conversation different suggestions were raised,however none of them sounded appealing to me.or,it could be the other way around.it's just that,i opted not to take that into consideration AS OF THE MEAN TIME.

i am wanting for someone that i love to take care of me emotionally or at the very least,have a serious romance.i hated realizing that i am lonely.i am starting to hate myself in the same manner that i started hating all the guys for their foibles.that weakness of them is just like how H1N1 is being considered now in our nation - PANDEMIC.i am dying to fathom that it's their nature,but i can't cause i don't want to.perfidy is their nature.

"hello-goodbye-thank you-get lost" - i am getting tired of this.the thought of this makes me feel ill somehow.i am feeble.

my tyrant immediate boss and the herculean work i have plus the dozen of friends i can count on anytime of the day divert my attention into something that has a lot more sense that what i do have now.they actually helped me finding something that would occupy my time which is a lot more fulfilling than my usual routine.i am grateful i have them.

i'm in quest of knowing how would you drop a bomb for someone you care for?i wanted to stay away out of respect.but for some reason,i can't.

i am a remarkable breed.i deserve some damn respect just like every other women in town.

from facebook.

Money: 47%
Love: 93%
Overall Happiness: 76%

You are sometimes struggling but have a generally jovial disposition always.

can we really measure happiness?sort of i guess.

i was just about to check my online accounts for updates when suddenly i found myself answering bunch of surveys from my facebook account...

i also tried the one which aimed to know what quote best fit my life... result?

"You are in love with love. The idea of romance

stirs your soul and you wouldn't have it any other

way".

i don't think so...

and the mental disorder i have?

You are constantly thinking about what others may be saying about you behind your back. You may also feel people have conspiracies against you, or they are out to get you. In crowds you may feel like everybody is watching to closely.

pathetic fool

i am faceless,unwanted,unloved and abandoned single lady.this is how i am feeling right this very moment.i wanted to shout cause i know it will be a relief to say it loud and admit it.yes,i admit that i am in love with a guy who is taboo.forbidden.i wanted to move on.let go.anyway, i know it will not take too long for that love to die.loving him discreetly is plain stupid.indeed.

it's so nice having an objective person to talk to sometimes and someone you can hang on in times of crisis.i am craving for one.in times like this,i am dying inside to see my friends and chat with them over coffee.anyway,they have always been the persons i completely confide with,we are confidantes ever since.

someone is wasting his/her time posting comments here in my blog.just last time,there was an encouragement for me to tell that guy everything.but it's seems that it's a door that i refused to open.i am not valiant enough to do that.and i hate to be rejected.i am aching to see him,aching to see them.i am feeling ache in my heart just seeing how he loves her.it hurts so damn much.

"a day is long but week is a lot more longer"

this will be another week.and it's good to know that i'll be on a VL for three days plus two-day off.cool.i need this.i badly need this.

random things about me.

random things at it's best...

-i am bipolar.i admit.

-my friends at school used to call me xanne while people at my workplace used to call me roxie.. (there are differences and these two different names equate to two different personalities.by the way,i appreciate all those people calling me xanne,thanks!)

-i so love listening to music.music is my addiction.and i so love my mobile for tolerating me in such.

-i always make sure that my time is being occupied.being a fresh college graduate,i learned to love reading books.maybe due to boredom too that i almost think of committing suicide.haha.something new.

-i love blog hopping,reading minds of people thru their words.

-i am shopaholic.certified.during my offs,if i am financially capable,i make it a point that i'll be spending my time shopping.buying things that i like.oopps!of course i need.

-i enjoy sleeping and eating.we all do,right?but i do love it a lot more than others do.

-i like dipping fries to chocolate sundae.. (try it.feels like heaven!)

-i am so vain!but not narcissistic.mirror is one thing that i can't last day without it.

-i love looking myself at the mirror and making sure that i look presentable enough.

-i am a washroom addict too.during breaks,pre or post shift.

-i am possesive.be it with friends or partners.pag akin,akin lang.haha..

-i so love wrting.i know i'll be a film writer someday.i'll be one of the sought after film writers in the film industry.

-i want to learn doing house chores.hindi ako marunong magsaing.cooking is one thing that i am dying to learn.

-i am not sweet.i hate being one.parang plastic kase.haha...

-never did i have pedicures and manicures at salon.i do it all by myself.

-i am funsize!

-my hair is dry.but it feels good that i still look good.haha..i am not narcissistic.does it show?

-at times i want to be alone,and you'll notice that if i am not talking.me and my music,all alone.

-i'm a die hard photographer.given the chance,i'll surely take that course and surpass in such field.capturing moments in it's most creative shot is very much fulfilling.

-movies.movies.movies.pinapatulan ko lahat ng vcd and dvd sa bahay when i don't have any other things to do... when i watch,i make sure that i have a dictionary or atleast a thesaurus beside me,also when i read i do that.widening my vocabulary.

-i can take a bath for 10 mins.nung one time na nasa shoot kame,seven mins was given for us to take a bath,kaya mo yun?

-i do some routines when i am inside the bathroom.something private!haha!

-i never had my own room eversince.and so i don't have the idea on how it feels to sleep alone.

-i love skirts!i feel great when i wear it.

-i hate people who take advantage.pretending to befriend but has hidden agendas.tskstk.

-i am not comfortable wearing rubbershoes maybe because it's hard to find one with heels what you think?

-i love tshirt and jeans.so,so comfortable.

-ayoko ng ginagaya ang style ko,be it with the way i dress or the way i talk.have your own style!

-i am a fan of john llyod cruz.i am inlove with that guy forever!

-when i watch foreign films,i used not to mind the actors.i mind the flow of the film.

-i am poor in playing volleyball but i do well playing badminton and table tennis.just like i am poor in singing but a i know a little how to dance.

-i maybe a poor singer but i so love singing!

-i am ten years older than our youngest by i guess she happens to be more than ten centimeters taller than me.

-when i am home,i am home.(read between those words)

-i've always been a working student eversince and so it feels unusual not to be busy after graduating last May.

-i've always been linked to different guys but unfortunately we always end up nothing.

-i only had two boyfriends eversince,i had my first relationship when i was in first year college.

-when i started working in a call center,whenever i am at home i used to babytalk..don't have any idea why.

-i have tumor.discovered two years ago but still haven't let a doctor checked it yet.leave it to me!

-i have lots of sandals but i opted to use the one i bought from elegance..i so like it!

-i so love math but i took up communication course when i was in college.

-i love to travel.WANDERLUST!

-i don't have any province and so i am toxic being a pure manila lady.

-how can i forget that i so love cats?i have four but my fave one died last May 14..haist.

-we also have two chickens at home,si tonton and nenok..cool...

-i so hate ipis!sobra!i used to include that in my prayers before.. na sana walang gumapang na ipis sa akin... haha!

-i had my first mobile phone when i was in first year college... binili ko using my allowance from my scholarship.

-i am emotional and over sensitive.

-paranoia is something that i am trying to really, really avoid.

-i have been a class secretary before but for some reasons i have a very poor handwriting now.

-i so love halayang ube.miss it

-i have a distorted figure and so i decided to work out.

-i already found the man that i'm gonna marry.and i know i will.

remorseful

how would you tell someone that you love him when you used to ignore him at first?how would you tell him that you have fallen when he is already committed to someone and with all due to respect to their relationship you are hindered to do so?how would you tell someone that you love him when it seems he's no longer into you?how will you respond to such situation?

i'm dead.and i guess it's my bad.

this week has been so,so tiring.indeed tiring.given the fact that it gets tougher and tougher dealing with texans and all the complaints they have every second of the call,i get so weak with everything that's happening to me.i am emotionally getting really,really tired.i feel like I AM BEATEN THAT EVERY INCH OF ME ACHED,literally and figuratively.i almost get distraught.everyday i feel like i am depreciated for some reasons.weary.but out of respect for my friends,thanks for making my day as easy as possible.it didn't occur to me sharing every thought to all of you guys but atleast let me know you that you're appreciated.

i'm confused.as if i am stuck in crossroads,indecisive which road to take.the more i think,the more confused i get.and it sucks.you don't always have to go with the flow.there's no assurance in such.you might lose at the end.due to life unpredictability,we have to think.we always have to think how to respond on situations that requires deep thinking for you to surmount such without regrets at the latter part of the game.they say that giving up is no other like than losing.like giving up is always tantamount to losing the game of a life.but when can you say that it isn't time to give up yet?when can you say that you still have to fight?oh well.maybe it will always gonna be a case to case basis.like,every rule has it's own exemptions.i guess.that might be right.oh.distressing.

my bad.how pathetic.

knowing anonymous...

who's anonymous?
any idea guys?
who the hell is leaving a comment regarding my posted blogs?

forlorn

i am unhappy. i am regretful.and i hate it.

tagged-mishap!

it's almost ten o'clock and i am supposed to be sleeping by this time (ahm,during weekends only,oh well,it's the sought after "off")but here am i doing this stuff in spite of the "huggardness" me and my sister had this afternoon.honestly,i almost fell asleep inside gateway's movie house.oh!by the way,huggardness is my own term,slang word that me and my block mates invented years ago,so don't be bothered about that.

i just only have one reason why i am so eager and agitated to have a very unlucky incident,might be considered contretemps posted here.i honestly don't want to believe,but unluckily it was true.it indeed happened.

http://www.gmanews.tv/story/162592/12-killed-as-motor-ferry-sinks-off-Verde-Island

12 killed as motor ferry sinks off Verde Island

05/23/2009 | 04:16 PM

(Update) MANILA, Philippines - Twelve people, including 3 children and a Japanese tourist, were killed after a large motorized outrigger capsized near Mindoro Island on Saturday, the Philippine National Police (PNP) said.

Chief Supt. Luisito Palmera, police chief for Region 4B (Mimaropa), said in a text message to reporters in Manila that the MB Commando 6 sank at about noon near Verde Island, 85 miles (135 kilometers) south of Manila.

Palmera said the boat sank when one of its outriggers broke.

The Coast Guard in Manila says there were 57 survivors, including five crew members.

As of 3:59 pm, the last count of fatalities was 12, including two young boys and one young girl, seven adult women and adult men, said Palmera. He said one of the dead victims was a Japanese tourist.

He said the victims were identified by rescuers as:

1. Franco P. Eugenio, 3 years old, White Plains, Quezon City;
2. Anton Cruz Eugenio, 2, White Plains, Quezon City;
3. Gregonia C. Pabliko, 58, Sta Cruz, Manila;
4. Albino Pablico, 55, Sta Cruz, Manila;
5. Beta Berdin, 2, Sta Mesa, Manila;
6. Melanie Berdin, 30, Sta Mesa, Manila;
7. Desiree Teodoro, 20, Taytay, Rizal;
8. Joena Perez, 25, Batangas;
9. Yaya Tess, age unknown;
10. Nina Ricci Cads, Binangonan, Rizal;
11. Daisy Eugenio, Quezon City; and
12. Hosotani Shoji, a Japanese tourist.

Palmera said the boat left Batangas City pier for the tourist resort town of Puerto Galera in Mindoro Oriental before the accident.

Not long after the boat left, it sent out a distress call.

Responding rescuers took some of the injured to nearby hospitals but one child was declared dead on arrival by an attending physician, Dr. Rosse Villaruel, at the Puerto Galera Muncipal Health Center.

Five passengers are presently undergoing medical treatment at the same center, Palmera said.

Commodore Cecil Chen, Coast Guard commander for Southern Luzon, cited sketchy initial reports saying the ferry sank despite good weather.

"Maganda naman ang panahon. Bago siya nakarating may problema siguro kaya lumubog (The weather was fine. But before it could reach its destination it sank)," CHen told dzBB radio. He said they are still determining the cause of the sinking. - With Kimberly Jane T. Tan, GMANews.TV

*************************************************************************************

the news was actually aired last night at SAKSI and TV Patrol World.i was asleep and was awakened by the alarming message alert tone of my mobile phone.

"Nina Cads died in accident today at Puerto Galera.The boat was hit with big waves and it flipped over.She was declared dead on arrival by the doctor around 3:25pm.She was TC Mae Benitez during that time.It was TC Mae's teambldg and 6 agents joined the activity.We have a total of 8 participants 2 of which were Mae and Nina.All of them survived except Nina.We are now coordinating with the local authorities regarding the transport of her body.I have already informed Boss JP and Boss JC.Bodge already informed Nina's family.I already spoke with Nina's father regarding the travel details.Please cascade to your team and let's offer a prayer for Nina's soul.May she rest in peace."

it actually didn't occur to me that it was true. i was scrolling the message down just to prove that this was just one of the none sense messages being passed and forwarded by people who,let's admit,got nothing more to do.but unfortunately,this was not one of those.it a serious thing.something that one can never joke of.

Yes, Nina Cads is the same person highlighted in the aformentioned list of the victims of the said incident.initial reaction?SHOCKED.i was shocked.enormous shock.it was sudden.i admit,i was never close to this person but considering what happened,and how it happened really saddened me.it did.honestly until this very lat minute that i am doing this blog,i am still in the "state of shock."it's just like you were just speaking to a person and just right after you turned your back at him,a car crashed and that person died.traumatic.tragic.it was indeed an awful experience.it brought a lasting fear to all those people who joined the activity as well to all those people affected by this accident.it's a trauma none of them would forget and recover quickly.

i,personally and honestly speaking wanted to put all the blame to the management in line with the reason pointed as of the moment by media - OVERLOADING OF PASSENGERS.i wanted to know why they let it happen,why the security of the passengers was not good enough?what security do they have?is there any?if yes then why they were not able to secure the lives of these passengers?how many more lives are they about to loss?i'll stand corrected but this will not be the first time that this incident occured.lots,lots of questions.but none of us,none of them for sure wished for this to happen.NO ONE.

incidents like this led to realization that life is very much unpredictable.we can never tell what will happen,what comes next,what's the real plan or basically what lies ahead.it's full of surprises no one can ever predict of.so,it might sound idealistic but we have to make the best out of it.we don't have any assurance how far can we go,how many days we still have or how long our journey could be.everything in life seems to be very,very unpredictable.amazing.if only we can stay alive,if only... but things like this are very INEVITABLE.

may she,and all of the other victims rest in peace.